Courageous Women

I have a few women in my life that this latest blog post is inspired by.  Each of them with very different paths, very different lives and very different types of courage.  A friend searching for a new career path that gives her the room to meet her children's needs and her own. A sister who is about to become a published author.  Another friend who is in love, but struggles with her own sense of self-worth in the face of unrequited love.  And myself, who is finding myself in a new space where I am taking on challenges I never thought I could or would and putting myself as a priority in that new space.

My personal life- guru, Dr. Brene Brown, talks about courage by explaining that it comes from the latin work cor - which means heart, and describes that courage is about telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.  This idea resonates with me:  that being authentic and being honest about who we are and what we want (and need) from life is more important than we allow it to be.

A few weeks ago, on a random Tuesday, I was feeling particularly great about myself.  I was bopping around the house, listening to music and cleaning.  I was feeling the impact of the changes I've made over the past couple of years and just had this 'Wow, I really am awesome' vibe.  Suddenly, I thought about some of the people who have come and gone from my life over the years and how shitty they treated me at the time.  For the first time ever, I felt kinda bad for them.

Please, don't get me wrong.. I'm not trying to be conceited or full of myself or vain.  My thoughts were initially centered on those kinda 'if they could see me now' thought that run through our heads as things like 20 year high school reunions loom around the corner.  And, like thoughts do, it just sorta meandered into the place where I thought about how I would act and what I would say. And it was then that I felt bad for them, because in my new-found confidence, I could see that they wouldn't really recognize me.  And then, my thoughts turned instead to why I had never felt this way before.  I have never felt bad for those people!  In fact, my heart is still filled with love for them, and it's never occurred to me that they were missing out on something.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  And suddenly I realize something about myself that I had never realized before.

(Ready... because this is a big one.)

I made it acceptable to treat me badly.  In fact, I made it the standard.

Let me go back for a minute and explain by simplifying it.  Let's say I had a crush on a guy.  It would generally stay just that... a crush.  A torch I would carry alone and silently.  A one-sided love affair.  Only in the light of my new-found self-esteem can I see why so many of my relationships-that-never-happened existed like this.  I accepted some bullshit idea that I wasn't good enough to be loved back.  What I put out there into the universe was that nobody should have the fortitude to have to deal with loving me, and that expecting them to love me would be a failure on two fronts:  I would be be both unrealistic AND forcing someone I loved into a miserable life where they would have to tell the world that they picked me.

I told myself that NOBODY should have to live like that.  I loved those people so much that I never expected them to love me back.

What is even crazier ( and again, I can only see this now) is that even after I found a man who loves me ( and married him!) I continued in this line of thinking.  I spent years thinking that this man was a saint for loving me, or thinking that I had fooled him into thinking I was someone who was deserving of his love and that someday he would figure it out and move on to a more worthy woman.

This was not just in romantic relationships either.  This existed in friendships and work relationships.  Honestly, I treated people like being near me was a sacrifice, and I was just grateful for their ability to be seen with me.

So, back to the courage that I was talking about.  In relaying this discover to my friend, we were talking about wants and needs, and how those lines can get blurred from time to time.  We can tell ourselves that we don't "need" certain things, but many times, that is a mask that covers up the fact that our deepest wants are really a need that we deny ourselves.

I thought I wanted someone to love me.  Really, I needed someone to love me.  But, in that denial of my own story being told with my whole heart, I told myself that it wasn't a need.  I was denying who I was and what I needed because I simply felt unworthy of having that need.

My sister's book, Queer Virtue, is about to be released.  Her book is an examination of the parallels between being queer and Christianity. ( Shameless Plug, because she IS my sister!  http://www.queervirtue.com/ ) In anticipation of the book, she is releasing a series on mini-sermons that touch on some of the subjects in her book.  The first was released last night and is titled Identity.  She talks about how people are called to be themselves within Christianity.  She describes that this call to embrace ones identity is not just cornerstone of the LGBTQ community, but requirement of the faithful.   Her two-minute video describes that these two things are not mutual exclusive, and they do not exist in the vacuum, and these are shared values between two communities that sometimes feel at odds with one another, but share this core value.  I thought about my recent discovery of self-denial and how tied into my own lack of self-worth it was.  These two things are absolutely the same thing.  Identity is courage:  Telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.  Regardless of someone's position on religion or faith, there is a truth that exists.  The path to fulfillment lies in our ability to be exactly who we are, and let the world see that entirely.

Today, after several weeks of life getting in the way, I was about to make it to Meatball Thursday- a recent tradition with some friends of mine where we meet at Ikea for cheap Swedish meatballs and great conversation.  One of my friends was discussing her job- mostly that it just was not working for her life and she is seeking a path toward something that works for her and for her kids.  Inside that conversation, I mentioned that with her amazing history of homeschooling her two boys, maybe she could look at leading some home-school centered classes.  In the middle of the conversation, she needed to run out to her car, and she came back with a brilliant idea that both suits her perfectly and fills a need that is under addressed.  Really, her idea was perfect for her.  I'm not sure if this is something she is going to pursue, but again, it made me think about courage.

So many times in our lives we are called to make choices that we simply shouldn't have to make.  And so many times, we make choices based on that idea that wants and needs are mutually exclusive.  Especially parents, who wear the title of sacrificial lamb as they tread water for years and years just hoping for the day when their sacrifice is recognized and rewarded.  But, we also see the other side.  We watch people who take the risk and make a life for themselves that encompasses their wants, and they seem like they have a more fulfilling life.  We watch in envy and convince ourselves that, for whatever reason, that is not a life we can have.  We deny ourselves of our needs, convincing ourselves they are wants, because we do not feel worthy.

If my friend pursues this idea, or something else that works for her life she will be doing something courageous.  She will be telling the story of who she is with her whole heart.  She will be setting out a path for herself that fulfills both wants and needs.  Because sometimes they actually are the same thing.

Yesterday, I ran a mile.  I don't run- or that was the story in my head.  I wasn't graceful or cat-like.  I was awkward in the way that a person who has never ran anywhere but to the store to buy ice cream would be.  I was a lumbering size 16, fresh from losing 68 pounds.  I've never ran that far in my life.  Today, I felt it, and ran 1/2 a mile despite the pain from yesterdays run still fresh in my legs... and back... and hips... even my eyes hurt a little.   Both of these days, I had moments of self-doubt and fear.  Fear that people would judge me.  Fear that I would hurt myself.  Fear that my new found ability would turn on me in unexpected ways.  But, with every step, I found a bit more assurance in what I was doing.  I was writing a new story for myself.  A story that I would tell with my whole heart.  I stopped telling the story of the fat girl who doesn't run, because that is not the story I want... and it's not the story I need.  There were moments where I stopped to catch a labored breath and I started going back to that same story:  the one where I could be the fat girl who walked the rest of the way.

But, then, I would change the story, because in my heart, I want to be the girl who runs.  I want to be the girl who told boys that I loved them without fear and without self-doubt.  I want to be the person who says that my identity is who I am meant to be and to be anything other than that is a slight against the universe. I want to be the woman who strikes out on her own to make a career for herself by making my own rules.

I want to be the person who tells their story with their whole heart.

My (completely biased but un-paid-for) review of Genepro Protein

I was Sleeved on Dec. 1st, and to date I am doing fantastic... 66 pounds down... full of energy... feeling great!  I credit the trifecta of WLS:  Water, Walking, Protein...


Protein.  Protein haunted my dreams for months.  I looked at the prospect of protein shakes with the apprehension of a nearing apocalypse.   So, I went in search of protein that I could handle.  I would love to tell you I tried them all, but I didn't.  But I tried a lot.

I tried:

Premier Protein
Isopure
Syntrax Nectar
YEAH!
Muscle Milk
Isogenix
GNC Lean
Protein2o
Unjury

Plus about 5 others that I was given samples of by other people that I can't recall the names of.

Excuse the language, but protein powders are like assholes... everyone's got one and they swear theirs isn't gross.

For me, protein became a mission.

My FIRST moment of enlightenment with protein came in the form of my Unjury sample pack.  Contained within my samples was "unflavored", and I honestly thought to myself " Great- can't even be covered by chocolate!", but I tried it with some coffee and it was.... tolerable.  Also, it wasn't that terrible bitter-sweet flavor that other proteins had.  EUREKA!  Maybe it wasn't the protein I hated... maybe it was the FLAVORING!

But, there was still a problem.  There was a LOT of powder to get in, and moving forward I knew that I would only be able to get down a little at a time.  Looking into the future, I saw it taking me and hour or two to get this stuff down.

By the way, my foresight on this was smart, but I couldn't even begin to understand how little I would be able to consume after surgery.  Please, if you are considering Gastric Sleeve, go and put 4 ounces of a thick liquid in a cup and take a really good hard long look at it, realizing it can take you at least 30 minutes to get that down.  If the shake you get ends up being 8 ounces or more, you are going to have a bad time.

 So, I went searching for something concentrated.

That is when I found Genepro.  I random search of a Bariatric Weight Loss board and I saw rave reviews.  30 gr. of protein in a tablespoon- I was intrigued!

I went off to do my research, and I found exactly the kind of skepticism that I needed to make an informed decision.  There were people who were doubting the claims... as well they should!  Even a base understanding of physics can make you understand that it's not possible to get 30 gr. of protein in a 15 gr. serving.... right!?!

I don't buy snake oil, and I looked at their own claims with a grain of salt.  So, while I waited for their samples to arrive by mail ( Yes- they have samples for $4.50- try before you buy! http://shopmusclegen.com/genepro-sample ), I went to search out each and every claim they made, and here is what I found:

* Note- I'm not a scientist, but what I found is the findings from several sources, including my own Nutritionist.

When we ingest protein, we don't absorb it all.  Generally, we only absorb about 30% of it.  When your nutritionist tells you that you need to be getting in 60 gr. of protein, that 60 gr. is with the end goal of your body actually absorbing 18gr. ( or 30% of 60).

The KEY to all of this is the idea of NUTRITIONAL EQUIVALENT.

Now, what if there was a protein that you could absorb more than 30% of?  That is EXACTLY what Genepro is.  It's broken down, and their studies and the independent research is showing that the human body absorbs more like 90% of Genepro's broken down protein.

So, back to the math.  If what a human body needs to absorb is 18gr. of protein, and the body absorbs 90% of Genepro, then you actually only need 20 gr. of Genepro to get the same amount of protein as 60gr. of any other protein source.

Now, maybe you can understand how they get 30 gr. of nutritionally equivalent protein into a 15 gr. serving.... because it's ACTUALLY 10 gr. of protein that you absorb 90% of, instead of 30 gr. of protein that you only absorb 30% of.  Got it?

So... on to the nitty gritty ( or not so gritty... yeah!!!)

Does it taste horrible?

Well, no... but I won't lie... it doesn't taste like nothing.  There are some people who think that flavorless is the same as tasteless.. it's not.  There is a taste.. to me.  There are some people who say it has no taste, and I don't think that is true.  BUT, it's better than... well... everything other thing I've tried.  And because it's only a tablespoon, you can get it out of the way fast... and I'm totally a "get it out of the way" kinda girl!

I have two ways I take my Genepro.  At first, I did little "shots" of it.  I got a shot-glass size cup,  put in my Genepro, filled it with water, and a very quick squeeze of a Crystal Lite Squeezable product ( Okay- it's time to fess up.. it was sugar free Tang... because I'm like a 9 year old!!!).  At first, I was getting some chunks, and I just pushed my way through it.  Then, I did a little reading and a little experimentin' , and I figured out the best thing to do.

First of all, it tastes better cold... but it dissolves better in warm ( NOT HOT) liquid.   Next, I found out you need to add Genepro TO liquid, not liquid TO Genepro.   Solution?  I mixed it with warm tap water, added the Genepro  to the liquid ( not the other way around), added the squeeze, stirred with a fork ( a fork works best).  Then, I add ONE ice cube and let it melt for a few minutes.  Now, I have a perfect shot... dissolved... cold...and I can get it down in two quick swallows.  THIRTY GRAMS OF PROTEIN DONE IN SECONDS!

Once I was through my first month post-op, I abandoned one of the rules, and went back to my beloved coffee, and this is where my Genepro truly shines!  Every morning, I have the same routine.  With my Keurig, I make a 10 oz. cup of strong coffee.  I have two cups... one small and one large.  I put the small cup in first and let it brew the first ounce to ounce and a half.  Then, I swap out the cup quickly and put under the large cup that I will sip on for the next hour or so ( because it takes me that long to drink a cup of coffee).  I put in my splenda and fat free cream in both cups, and my one tablespoon of Genepro into the smaller cup, and wisk it around with a fork.  It's important here that the coffee not be really really hot, or the Genepro will curdle a bit, so adding creamer first gets it to the temperature where Genepro dissolves well.  If you don't use cream, I recommend a little bit of cold water.

Again, I'm sensitive to the slight flavor, so I don't want it in my full cup and would rather just get it out of the way.  I get in that small cup just standing in the kitchen.  Again- my 30 grams of protein- DONE!

I can't say enough great things about this product.  I know that looking at a 90 day jar at it's $100+ pricetag seems like a lot, but that's only about $1 per serving, which is really very reasonable.  I have had my 3 month post op bloodwork and it has come back perfect in every way.

If you have struggle with finding a protein supplement that doesn't make you hate the world, please please please try this product.  I promise you that you will not regret it!

Twenty Truths About Weight Loss Surgery

I've made no secret that I had Weight Loss Surgery in December of 2015.  To date, four months and one day later, I have lost 65 pounds.  The  how I feel, how I look and how I approach life has completely changed.

As I walk this path, I can start to see certain truths in a way that I never saw before.  So, here is my list of 20 truths behind Weight Loss Surgery.

1.  It's NOT the easy way out....

I don't know where this idea came from, but it's a pervasive one.  Interestingly, I don't think I've actually heard a skinny person ever say this, and I've only ever heard the "Easy Way Out" commment from people who struggle with weight.  I could go on and on about how this is tied to some idea that fat people should have to face some sort of punishment for their weight, and what this says about our culture... but that's a blog post for another day.

Instead, I will simply set forth an "easy" 45 day challenge to anyone who has the idea that WLS is an easy way out:

• We'll start you off with an all liquid diet for one month.  This would be your two-week pre-op diet and two-week post op liquid diet.  While we quickly learn that every surgeons approach is different and some are more lenient than others in the pre-op requirements, but this is the industry standard. By the way, all of that liquid has to be low fat, low carb,caffeine free, non-carbonated,  low calorie and high protein, 
• In the middle of your month, you need to go and have major surgery that removes 85% of an organ of your body.  If you can't make that happen, try having a friend punch you repeatedly in the stomach for a similar effect.  Immediately after this, you are expected to get up and start walking... and don't stop.  Ever.
• Also, while you are at it, for the second two weeks ( representing post-op) you can only take in about 1-2 ounces of any liquid in any given 30 minute period.  And, you can't use a straw.  And you have to get at least 64 ounces of water in a day... but not 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after taking in any of the liquid you ingested that contains protein.   Seriously.  Try it!
• After your one month all liquid, you may now have soft foods.  Only soft foods.  Still low carb, low fat, no caffeine, low calorie and high protein.  At this point, you will be eating about 600 calories a day.  Also, every bite you take in needs to be chewed into a liquid.. about 40-60 chews per bite. Oh, and you should call that friend to come and punch you in the gut every time you eat anything, because that's what it feels like.
• Easy, right?

If someone can tell me what part of this challenge is easy, I'm all ears.

2. .... but it is easier.

Okay... I know what I just said.. it's not the easy way out.  But that doesn't mean it's not easier.  How can these two things co-exist?  Well, there are a few ways.  First of all, after the difficult pre and post-op all liquid period, you lose weight... fast.  I lost the first 35 lbs in that month.  That's a three-to-five year old child that I took off my back.  Anyone who carried around something that size for years and got it off their back that quickly is going to be able to move easier, because they have the muscle memory to work harder on moving, and working out becomes much much easier.  Also, the fact that you simply cannot physically eat as much will make you almost automatically calorie deficient on any given day.  Even now, I can eat a MAX of 1000 calories a day, but I burn 1500 just existing, even if I don't get my consistantly-shrinking-ass off the sofa.  

Additionally, my new tiny tummy comes with a Pavlovian response that has quickly conditioned me.  There are things I cannot eat because they make me feel terrible.  Like," I have to lay down and I feel sick for a few hours" terrible.  Fortunately, many of these things are bad for me anyway:  Sugar. High fat.  Carbonated drinks.  It's easier because my sleeve is that friend who punches me in the gut every time I eat something I shouldn't.

Also, and this is controversial, but there are hormonal changes that happen.  Not every doctor agrees, but basically there is a hormone that is released by the stomach that tells our brains we are hungry.  If you have Gastric Sleeve and have 85% of your stomach removed, you also remove 85% of that hormone production organ.  Simply put, I never get physically hungry. 

So, to pretend that this method isn't easier would be a lie.  A person who doesn't get physically hungry and even when they do they can't eat more than a few ounces and working out is easier because they are pretty buff from all that weight they just shed quickly.. the "easier" factor is at play.  And here is the plain old-fashion truth:  Nobody would be able to do this without Weight Loss Surgery, because it would be torture.  That is what makes it easier, but not easy.

3.  You lose weight really really fast...

Especially at the beginning.  So fast it makes your head spin.  There were days in those first couple of weeks where I would lose 2 pounds in a day, and another 2 the next day.  It was shocking.. and addictive.

4.  .... and  yet it's not fast enough.

It doesn't matter how much progress you have made.  After such extreme losses in those first few weeks, you suddenly become disappointed at what would be, by any other standard, an amazing success.  A two pound loss in a week is perfect in the "normal" world. but in WLS world, that feels like a miserable failure compared to those weeks where you lost 10 pounds.  I have joined dozens of Weight Loss Surgery forum boards and social media groups, and on a daily basis I see the posts.  " I'm 30 days out and I've only lost 25 pounds".  It just really messes with our sense of "normal".

5.  Stalls are torture... and universal

Most Weight Loss Surgery people spend months ( or years) preparing for their surgery, and we watch and people talk about their "stalls" in weight loss, and it doesn't matter that we tell ourselves to expect it... we are still CRUSHED by it.  The first time has been dubbed "The Dreaded Three Week Stall" by WLSers.  It happens to everyone, and it sucks!  Especially since this is the time that we generally start eating something that doesn't require a spoon.  It becomes really easy to tie these two things together ( although they aren't linked).   Weight loss stops for a week or two and we feel like crap about it.  There is no emotional preparation you can do.  You will question what you've done and you will feel like you are doing something wrong.  And you will be doing everything right! This will continue for your entire journey.  You will stall for weeks... not a pound of loss for days and days and days.  Then, suddenly, one day, you step on a scale and you've lost 4 pounds in 24 hours.  You will do everything in your power to figure out what you did "right" in the past 24 hours.  You will try to replicate it and it won't work.  

There is no way to avoid stalls and no way to stop yourself from feeling bad about them. 

6.  You won't see your progress....

People will start to tell you how you are getting smaller, but you will not see it.  Even the pictures you take won't really feel like the progress you are seeing on the scale, in your clothes and in the looks on people's faces.  You will still be fat in your head... maybe forever.  

7. ... except in certain places.

Then, suddenly, one day you realize a difference somewhere in your body.  Most of these are NSVs- Non-Scale-Victories.  Big ones, like suddenly you can cross your legs like a girl.  Or you realize there are inches between you and the side of your bathtub.  Or you realize you can feel your clavicle bone.  Or you realize you actually have to struggle to give yourself a double chin.  Or you realize that walking is really really easy!  These are amazing moments that we live for!

8.  People treat you better....

Seriously.  I know that people don't mean to do this, but thinner people are treated better in general.  Suddenly, you realize that people respond more positively to you.  People smile at you more.  Men open doors for you.  In fact, once you become aware that you are being treated better by others, it becomes disarming.  For a brief period of time, I thought maybe it was just me.  Maybe it was my new positive outlook on life, or my new found confidence?  But, after reading many many posts my many other WLSers, I can tell you 100% that obese people are just not treated as well by the general public.

Also, you will get praise from a lot of people, and dealing with that praise can be it's own challenge.  I personally found it difficult to take compliments after years of being prepared with self-depreciating whit to protect my thin-skinned fat girl.  It is difficult to be a person who has been conditioned to try to hide yourself, only to end up being the focus of people's attention.  When that happens, you realize that this is much more complicated than just losing weight, and that you need to change your brain and spirit to match your new smaller body. 

9.  ... except for those who don't.

So, this is a tough one.  People who are close to you sometimes might not react as positively.  These reasons can vary, but here are a few examples of how WLS can be hard on loved ones.

• We feel good about ourselves- either for the first time in a long time or the first time in forever. Simply put, feeling good will change us into people who our loved ones simply don't recognize.  I had someone in my life make repeated comments to me about my new found love of makeup after losing my first 40 pounds.  It was hurtful because their comments to me were along the lines that I was being vain.  I've never been accused of being vain in my whole life!  It hurt that I was finally feeling good enough about myself to want to look nice, only to feel like I was being bashed for it.  Now, that person didn't mean to hurt me, but it did.
• There will be people who will not know how to handle a person who felt bad about themselves all the time, and now doesn't.  People with low self-esteem need to be handled much differently than people with confidence... and the people who love us don't always know how to approach us now.
• One friend, in an honest moment, told me something profound.  She said that she could see herself saying something that might hurt me, not because she wanted to hurt me or because she would begrudging of my successes, but because my successes highlighted that she's not having the same kinds of success.  This isn't the same a jealousy...  it is just a bit of a sting for her.  I love this friend for telling me this- it was a brutally honest thing for her to say.  I felt bad- I don't want this to make my friend hurt.  But, we all know that watching someone else succeed at something feels like it's pointing a giant flashing neon signs at our own failures.
• Some people will watch you like a hawk and question everything you do.  They will ask you if you are allowed to eat this or that, or tell you it's not 'healthy" to only eat 600-900 calories a day.  They will question you all the time to make sure you are holding up your end.  It stings a bit to feel like you can't be trusted to take on this challenge on your own.  Of course, this is also the same mentality that assumes that all obese people just lack will-power, which simply isn't always the truth.

So, amazingly, you can be treated better by strangers, and  very differently by loved ones.  Deep, right?

10.  Droopy Drawers

So, after that last serious topic, we need something a bit more lighthearted.  My underwear never fits.  I buy smaller panties and they are falling off me a week or two later.  This is a problem I feel like I just cannot get ahead of.  Your underwear falling off is not a good feeling- or a good look!  If you suspect a neighbor or a co-worker of having Weight Loss Surgery, there is one way to know for sure:  They will be the ones who are reaching into their pants to pull up their underwear every 4 minutes.

11.  You don't want to be "That Person"

The one who tells everyone how awesome WLS is.  You try really hard to not get all braggy on the subject.  You try really hard to not have it be the topic of conversation.. but it always seems to come back to your surgery.

Perfect example.  I love to go to restaurants.  Of course, now, my choices are  limited and I have leftovers that will feed me for days.  But, I still want to go out with my husband and friends.  Every time I try to go anywhere, the other person will say " Oh, no- where can you go, since I know you can't eat just anything".  Honestly, I can figure out something to eat at pretty much every place, and if I can't, it's totally okay because I'm likely not physically hungry anyway!  

Additionally, my surgery will come up as a matter of course of people talking about my weight loss.  I had a woman come up to me... a woman I don't know very well., but is, honestly, larger and would likely benefit from WLS.. and say in the most polite way " I hope I'm not offending you, but is your butt getting smaller?".  She didn't know about my surgery, and I told her flat out how what I had done and how well it's worked.  I tried to not flat out say " You should do this", because that would be both rude and presumptuous, but I basically said to her that it was the best thing I've ever done.  Now, if someone flat out asks me about it because they want to get it, I will go on and on and on... just like the people I know who had WLS did when I was getting ready for my surgery.  

Like becoming a parent, I am enjoying the process, but looking forward to that time where this new and different phase fades and I can return to being a normal person again.  So, I don't want to be that person whose life is all about her surgery, but it's difficult to avoid, and it's not always my fault.  

12.  Our perception of food consumption is, like, way f*@&ed up!

First of all, let's talk about how little we actually need to survive.  It was SHOCKING to me that I could get by and feel great on so little food.  I would look at my My Fitness Pal, have 300-400 calories on my all liquid phase, and feel like a rock star.  I kept waiting for that feeling to end.  I waited for the fatigue and horrible exhaustion that I thought would come with taking in so few calories..  That time never came.  I have not been able to consume more than 1,000 calories in a day in four months, and I still feel fantastic.  I think back now at times where I thought I had low blood sugar, or thought I was cranky because I hadn't eaten, and I realize now how much of that stuff is not an actual physical reaction.  Now, please do not get me wrong:  I am NOT saying "it's on our heads", because biological responses to emotional stimuli is just as real as physical reaction.   But, I am saying that the idea that we needed to consume so many calories just to get through the day is not that our bodies need that much.

Next, lets talk about what it's like for WLSers to watch "normal" people eat.  Again, I don't want to be that person- but now, with my tiny meals ( 4-5 ounces of anything at a time), I am completely shocked at how much people can really put into their stomachs.  I will go to lunch with a friend and I get a water ( honestly, it's just to because they look at you sideways if you don't get a drink.  Remember, I can't drink anything with my meals for 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after).  They get a sweet tea or a soda, easily 20 ounces of liquid, and they can polish it off in a matter of minutes... and I'm slightly taken aback by it.  Now, please understand, I DID THE SAME THING!  I could finish off glass of coke and need a refill before the order was even taken at a restaurant.  Now... well, now if I could have soda ( which I can't), that same glass of soda would take me an hour to finish.  I love my husband dearly, but have sat there, somewhat shocked to watch him eat a sandwich seemingly without ever actually chewing it!  Not only can I not eat that much, but each and every bite has become very purposeful, because if it's not chewed well, it doesn't sit well.  I begin to think to myself that I didn't really even appreciate food when I had a full sized stomach, because I barely took the prime opportunity that most people enjoy about eating- tasting my food!

Also, the sizes of portions are now shocking to me.  I ordered a "Petite Wedge Salad" at a California Pizza Kitchen that was ( I kid you not) on the "Small Plates" part of the menu.  I actually questioned the waitress if she gave me the right one.  This thing was easily a quarter of a head of lettuce, and I could only eat about 1/8th of it.  I consider myself very fortunate to say that I don't understand how I ever consumed that much food, and never even took the time to enjoy it.

13.  We are cheap dates....

The best part is how cheap it is to take me out for a meal.  I try to get kids meals when I'm out.. and when I do I only eat maybe 1/3 of it.  If there isn't a healthy kids meal option that I can have, I'll go for a soup or an appetizer.  A meal at a restaurant hasn't cost more than $5 in months.

14. ... who waste food all the time

I can only eat 1/2 a banana.  1/2 an apple.  Things that spoil quickly are so wasted on me!  And learning how to recook an appropriate amount of food is really really hard.  I am constantly asked in restaurants if my food is okay, simply because I can't eat very much of it.  This is a lesson a learned early:  If you are a person who had WLS but you like going out to restaurants, ask for a to go box right away.  I put away the food I know I won't be able to eat right off the bat.  It saves me from having to explain to the server staff, and keeps me from the regrettable moment featured in truth #15.

15.  One bite too much

When I had a normal stomach, one more bite was always possible.  Even when I said I couldn't eat another bite, I really could and it wouldn't hurt me.  Now, that is not the case at all.  There is literally a bite that if I put it in my mouth and swallow it, I will go from being happy and satisfied to needing to lay down because I feel horrible.  Just one bite... and even a small bite at that.  I have even put bites in my mouth and realized what I've done and had to spit it out into a napkin.  Learning that line is hard, but here is something even harder:  Learning that you have to leave that food on the plate.

I cannot tell you what conditioned me to believe that a bite on a plate is made to be put into my mouth, but it happens to me all the time.  I won't need to eat it, or even want to eat it.. but there is some strange drive in me to put that food into my body.  It is a very powerful drive. My solution is out of sight out of mind, and I either tuck it into the to-go box or physically make the plate go away.  This is something that causes mental somersaults, because you can KNOW you shouldn't have it, but resisting it is very much a mind-over-matter thing.

16.  Belly Fat is EVIL

So,, I've lost all this weight... 65 pounds.  And, I'm only down 4 pants sizes.  Everything in me says that I'm failing, because I feel like I should be smaller... and I am smaller... everywhere but my belly.  All of my clothes are way too big everywhere... except my belly.  I should be down another 2 sizes if I was going by how baggy my pants are around my legs and butt, but that "stubborn" belly fat ( that's a thing, ya know... they actually refer to belly fat as stubborn!) just will not go down.  So, none of my clothes fit properly.  It's super annoying!

17.  "I can see it in your face!"

You can look at quick weight loss like concentric circles.  You will lose from the outside first... face, fingers, hands, feet, arms, legs, neck.  Extremities will lose first, and that bitchy stubborn friend from Truth #16 will go slower.  But, that loss in your face makes a shocking difference in how you look.  People will tell you over and over and over again that they can see it mostly in your face... and it's the truth.

18.  Pre-op is long, hard, scary and necessary... Post-op is eye-opening!

For most people, having WLS is officially "elective" surgery.  We don't have to have it.  It's not technically required to save our lives ( although it does!).  There is something about that kind of surgery that makes going under the knife scarier.  I've had several surgeries, and none of them scared me like this one did.  Perhaps it's the amount of buildup to it.  For me, it was 6 months from first PCP referral to the operating table.. and that entire 6 months was about prepping for this change.  I became obsessed with finding the best protein supplement for me, practicing getting in enough water, and doing so much internet research I could tell you anything about WLS.  Going through all the requirements was torture, and insurance approval was torture ( I was denied the first time because of a mistake on my birthday on one piece of paper, delaying my surgery an extra month).  Getting my date was a moment of glee.  I finally new my timeline, and could prepare for my new life ( and say goodbye to my old one).

Two week pre-op all liquid is almost universally agreed to be the worst part of the whole thing.  You have your complete stomach and you can only have liquids for 14 days.  It really is just horrible!  But, all of this is a part of the process, and it's important to know that those days will become really important to you in the days just after your surgery.  Those days of feeling like you are going to die without food, in contrast to those days where you know you cannot eat anything ( and honestly, you don't want to) helps you to understand how much of our desire for food is head hunger.  Those days help us realize the difference.  I think that two-week pre-op was actually the most crucial part of my whole journey.  It tested both my resolve and pushed me toward making sure I didn't waste the thing that we find with truth #19.

19.  "It's a tool"

This is the thing that WLSers say all the time.  "It's a tool... not a magic wand".  Now, a tool can be used perfectly for days and days and days, and then be used improperly and ruin everything.

Remember, oh-so-many-pages ago, when I talked about it wasn't easy?  Well, I have to stay vigilant on what I can and cannot have.  I will lose weight no matter what in this first year.  But, there are ways to fail.  There are people who don't stick to the "rules".  They aren't working out.  They aren't getting their protein or water.  They are drinking and eating things they shouldn't be.  They are wasting their tool.

The truth is that by this time next year, I will be back to eating 1200 calories a day.  Still much less than I was before... but I'll also be smaller and will be burning less calories by just existing everyday.  Of course, my metabolism will be higher too.  But, if I go back to eating like I was, I will likely go right back to where I was before.

Someone I know who had Gastric Sleeve said to me something wise:  "Take advantage of those first 6 months, because you will never get that opportunity back".  I'm trying hard to do just that... take advantage of this peak time of loss and get as physically fit as possible to make sure that a year from now, staying physically fit is easier.

20.  This is more than just not being fat anymore.

So much of WLS is an emotional process.  You have no idea what it will do to you until it does.  For me, WLS made me a much happier and less stressed out person.  Seriously, my husband is shocked at how my whole personality has lightened after WLS.  I'm more positive, happier and let the stresses of life slide off my back much easier than I did before. I have read about people who get depressed in the month after WLS.  This is not my experience, but I can tell you that I have seen several people who struggled with depression before WLS who seem to revisit depression after WLS.

All of that said, here is the point.  Changing your body is one thing, but this is also changing who you are.  You have to change and challenge yourself to find success, and you have to change to deal with how others see you after WLS.