A Christmas Benediction

Last week, I went to my coffeeshop with the intention of getting some work done. It was open-mic poetry night. I have a slight ache in my heart every time I am there for open-mic poetry night, because a friend of ours, Cloyd, a regular of Jacksons in general, was also known to share his poetry ( namely his celebrity death Haikus) at this monthly event. Cloyd passed away last year, but his memory contained within the walls of Jacksons is palpable. Last week, the host of the Poetry Night read Cloyd holiday standard " A Christmas Benediction"- a beautifully crafted piece bestowing a blessing onto those he loved during the holidays. Several ideas floated around my head as I listened to Cloyds generous words from beyond the grave. I wondered if my loved ones were included in the kind thoughts of our departed friend. I thought about how amazing it is that his humanity can echo past his demise. I thought about how strange and odd Cloyd was- the math genius with one wrinkled shirt tail untucked, and tried to remember if I saw the compassion that lingered just below the surface. I wondered about my own kindness, and if I have left an indelible enough mark on the world for my words to echo to others the way that Cloyd’s were to me. As the week passed, I was also encountered with a number of people who are having a very hard time in life right now, for one reason or another. I am drawn toward the idea that I need to give them all SOMETHING...but time and resources are limited, and I can't give them all exactly what they need. The only thing I can do is give them what I can. A benediction is not something I would be good at, generally. First, it calls on a divinity that I simply don't put a great deal of stock into. Calling on the spirits or asking for divine intervention...it's not my thing. However, there is a second part to a benediction. A call for guidance through a time of trouble. That is something I can get down with. So, to everyone out there- people I love, people I know, people I have not yet had the chance to meet- this is MY Christmas Benediction to you. 

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish for you to see the fortune in every moment

even when that moment feels unfortunate

I wish for you to know the power of giving

over the disappointment of losing

I wish for you to invest yourself into moments you are creating

instead of fixating on the moments that someone else is missing

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish for you to know love, not as something that is bestowed upon you

but as something you have earned

I wish for you to be able to embrace your own worth,

and demand your worth be appreciated by others

I wish for you to know that bad decisions have consequences,

but even the worst decision can be made right with effort, time, and patience

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish for you the ability to see how precious you are

and the value of your possessions or your bank account does not undermine that

I wish for you the chance to show how brave you can be

and the opportunity to be proud that you overcame

I wish for you the clarity to see where you have misstepped

and the courage to let it shape you without defining you

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish that you find beauty in your path

even if that path led to you somewhere you didn’t intend

I wish for you the ability to change your story

and make yourself into the person you want to be

I wish that you find peace

and know that it’s okay to have sorrow, but you cannot let it destroy you

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish for you to find the strength to forgive

and know that forgiveness is more about you than the person who wronged you

I wish for you to see that misery begets misery

and that people who hurt others create their own misfortune

I wish for you the security of priorities

and that you only focus on people and things that make your life better

This Christmas, I give to you this wish

I wish that you are able to leave those who hurt you in the past

and share your sunlight with only those who are invested in your future

I wish for you to see that people who love you do exist

and are most highlighted when you love yourself enough to believe it

I wish for you the strength to take on the hardest task,

to never stop trying,

because you know that you are worth the effort that happiness takes

This is my gift to you this Christmas

Today, I am not talking about Amendment One

Earlier this year, I made a promise to myself and to all of my Facebook friends that I would not talk about politics. I have managed to white-knuckle it through the last 4 months. I will continue to not talk about politics. I will not talk about Amendment One today. I want to talk about something different. Today I want to talk about God, and your relationship with God and with your fellow human beings.I spoke to my husband about this, and he explained that this particular person lives by "rules". That his faith gives him a set of "rules", and there is a safety in that. However, his explanation didn't make me feel any better. Why are there certain "rules" that make other "rules" okay to break? This is the part of religion that makes me uneasy...scratch that....this is the part of human existence that makes me uneasy. What is it inside of us that tells us that we need to be better...smarter....and that we need to exclaim to the world that WE have the answers.

 

 

I don't have the answers...I don't even know the questions. I know that even with my lack of faith, there is a drive inside me to be a better person tomorrow than I was today. I know that my job is to leave this place a better place than I found it. I know that I accomplish more when I love then when I don't. I know that being loved by other human beings feels good. I know there are times when the right decision is difficult. I know there are many times when I make mistakes. I know the only way back from that is to try as hard as possible to not make those mistakes again. And I know that no matter how this whole life/universe/God/Heaven/Hell thing ends up, I'm here right now, and I have to make decisions that make the here/now better for myself and for others.

 

 

At this moment, I know there are people who could read this a know that I have an agenda. You are not wrong...I have an agenda, and it is this: Please come to your decisions with absolute love in your heart for your fellow human being. Please think about what loving another person really means. For my part, although it is not a testament of my faith, will fall back onto the words spoken at so many of the marriages that I have witnessed:

 

 

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

 

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 1-13.

 

 

I have a hard time loving those who I disagree with, and there have been a few times that I have wanted to un-friend people here because of something they have said. However, I am not going to do that. I will not disrespect your opinion and I will not kick you out of my life. We are in each others lives for a reason, and I think it's to make each other better people. You make me a better person, and I would rather be friends with a legion of people who think differently than I do than be mere acquaintances with people who agree with me.

 

 

I do not know what will happen on May 8th. I do know that I will continue to live here...and I will have to continue to exist in a world that thinks differently about things than I do. That is life- I only get one shot, and as far as I can see, the best thing I can do it act in love to each and every person I get the opportunity to share it with.

 

 

These are just my thoughts, down for the world to see.

The Evolution of my Kitchen Countertop

A millions words have been used to describe love, but very few to describe the path from life, to love, and back to life.

This is about the evolution of my kitchen countertop.Age 10-  My mother’s countertop is  a thing to be revered.  It is perfectly lined with shiny appliances- some older than I am.  It bares no personal significance other than the fact that I can’t touch most of them.  Crumbs from the random peanut butter and jelly sandwich are tolerated.  Jelly from said sandwich is not.  Any sticky substance is met with a threat of ants- and five days of passive-aggressive silence.

 

Age 16—My mother’s countertop has changed, but only incidentally.  Now a single mother, her attention wavers between absolute control and a permissiveness that borders on neglect, and her countertop reflects these extremes.  The countertop is a regular revolving door of re-invention and indifference; a bread maker that disappears within 2 months, a rotisserie that is only used on Holidays, a pasta-maker bought during a low-fat diet craze, a George Forman Grill bought during a low carb diet craze.  There are only two permanent fixtures- a coffeemaker and a bottle of vodka; one to dull the pain of the night before…the other to dull the pain of the 23 years before that.

 

I long to be rid of this countertop and have a countertop of my own...a place when the rules of my mother’s house no longer apply.  I cut bagels directly on the forbidden Formica as a display of my rebellion. 

 

Age 18- My first countertop, measuring roughly 2 feet long and flanked by a 2 burner stove and a mini-sink.  Decorated sparsely with mini-appliances from the Good Will, like the toaster I would use if I ever woke up before 1pm.  The faux wood laminate is burned and rippled form years of abuse and misuse, and anything set on it wobbles on its surface.  I understand that countertop in so many ways.

 

Age 21-I’ve upgraded to a larger and newer countertop, which ends up covered in beer bottles with cigarette butts floating in them.  Dishes spill over the sink and onto any available counter-space that will house them for a week or two.  Purple stains from a miscalculated jello shot pouring mark the surface for years to come.  ( For future reference, any activity involving jello shots is inherently miscalculated).

 

Age 23  My countertop is a pure reflection of myself- a mixture of youthful indiscretion and grown-up ambition.  The occasional beer bottle still appears, but is quickly cleaned up to prominently display my $45 martini set that was purchased after my first promotion.  I quickly figure out that I hate martinis, but I dust and display the set anyway to steer any wayward late-night visitors into thinking I am “cultured” instead of what I really am…lonely and desperate to be not only loved, but respected.  Appliances slowly creep onto the surface, and for the first time, the countertop is used for its intended purpose- the preparation of meals.  I make elaborate dinners for myself, such as filet and Oysters Rockefeller to subdue the nagging sensation that I will be alone forever.

 

Age 27-  My countertop is now “our” countertop, and the daily struggle between “mine” and “ours” begins.  My dishes multiple exponentially, and I convince myself that my mates near-daily habit of leaving wads of paper-towel all over my clean countertop is “quirky” and not “annoying”.  I prepare meals and baked goods on that countertop to prove I am a suitable companion, and he returns the favor with high-end appliances that he gets because he knows I love to cook ( Gift of the Magi, indeed), .  My countertop nears perfects, less one KitchenAid mixer, which I deprive myself of for years, citing expense and good old fashion guilt for having such a luxury.

 

Age 29-  We are now a family, and my once clear countertops are overwhelmed by baby bottles and tiny spoons.  My sink becomes a haven from spoiled milk bottles that appear under car seats and in between couch cushions.  My partner dares not open them, but I soldier through the cleaning of them because my existence can be summarized in one word- sacrifice.  My initial over sanitization of every surface quickly gives way to a sleep-deprived decision that the counter that was wiped down two days ago is “clean enough”.

 

Age 32-  Third countertop in as many years.  The fixtures of my countertop do not so much change as they shift.  They are upgraded for newer and better appliances come Holiday time, and change location in each new house to make this space more “home” than the last “home”.  The Crock-pot takes prominence on the counter, and I don’t even bother to put away the sauté pan anymore.  New and exciting challenged arise, like little fingers that can now reach the knife I left on the cutting board.

Occasionally, my officially grown-up countertop becomes a burden to my existence.  The wads of paper towel lose their quirky glimmer and simply become the thing I obsess over for weeks, until I blurt out something rude and unnecessary to my husband about me “not being his mother” during a fight at 2:30 am.  I find myself cursing under my breath about jelly splotches on my clean countertops, and complaining about how we are going to get ants.

But then, every couple of days, I clean my countertops to near perfection.  I pull out each appliance and scrub with fury until my hands burns and my back aches.  And when I am done, I sit back and just stare at my countertops with a gratitude that fills my heart.  This silly and stupid thing is a pure reflection of whole being.  And, for just a moment, I think about the evolution of my countertop.  This thing I took advantage of, to the thing I longed for, to the thing I used inappropriately, to the thing I took pride it, and now, it is the place where my family thrives.  This simple place, where I make food to feed my family and create masterpieces that do nothing more than make my family happy for a few moments.  I needed to have each kind of countertop to get where I am now.  I needed the clean and the messy to make sense of why each one is a part of who I am today.  Seven months ago, I finally purchased that KitchenAid mixer…on sale.  My counter is now complete- the guilt is gone and I give and receive in almost perfect balance. 

This is life.  It is not fancy or glamorous, but the twist and turns have lead me to this place where life meets love, and love meets life.  Such is the evolution of my kitchen countertops.

To the people who stole my little girls pumpkins

To the people who stole my little girls pumpkins,

 If you are, or you know the people who stole my little girls four pumpkins from our front yard this weekend, I have a message for you. If you are thinking about stealing someone's pumpkins from their yard, you might want to read this too.

See, I know they are just pumpkins. I know you were out, bored and desperate from something to do on the weekend night, and you saw some pumpkins and thought " Hey, let's steal those pumpkins and smash them in other peoples yards...that'll be fun". Well, here is the back story you don't know.

We took out little girl to a pumpkin patch to get those pumpkins. I am out of work, and my husband barely makes enough for our little family to get by, but we set aside money to let our little girl get some pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. When we walked through the pumpkin patch, Mia ( did I tell you my little girl's name is Mia?) ran around, so excited and picked out a whole bunch of pumpkins- five to be exact. She carted the little red wagon behind her, naming each and every pumpkin. The littlest one, that's baby pumpkin. The next smallest one, that's sissy pumpkin. The two medium sized ones, those are mommy pumpkin and auntie pumpkin. The largest one, which you decided was too big to steal and throw carelessly and thoughtlessly onto someone's driveway, that is daddy pumpkin. I have included pictures of my little girl picking out her pumpkins, so that you can see her face and how excited she was pick out her little family of pumpkins.

Anyway, I have promised her all week that we would make jack-o-lanterns on Sunday. She has been asking about them, and every time there is a pumpkin picture somewhere ( on TV, on a magazine at the store), she has reminded me that we are going to make faces on baby, sissy, mommy, auntie, and daddy. So, you can only imagine how broken hearted Mia was when we walked outside this morning, and all but daddy pumpkin were gone. She asked me why they went bye bye. When I told her dad, my husband, she looked up and asked why someone would take her pumpkins. What should I tell my little girl? Should I tell her that some people didn't think she deserved the pumpkins that she so carefully picked out and loved so much? Should I tell her that your longing to smash pumpkins because you were bored on a weekend night was more important than how much she wanted to make faces on baby, sissy, mommy and auntie pumpkin? Do I have to explain to my little girl that we can't afford to get her any more pumpkins because mommy can't find work and we can't pay our rent and buy her food if we buy more pumpkins? You tell me- what should I tell her! Do I have to crush my little girls innocent heart by cluing her in, at the tender age of almost three, that people are heartless, cold, thoughtless, and only concerned with their own amusement?

So, I am writing this to let people in on a little secret. When you steal from someone, you could be breaking a little girl's heart. When you take what is not yours, you are taking from people that might not have a lot, but they are trying to provide for the kids that they love more than anything. You saw my house, it's modest at best. You saw our cars, both used, older model but safe vehicles. Did it ever occur to you " Hey, these people don't look like they have a lot, maybe they worked really hard to give their little girl some pumpkins for Halloween?" I'm guessing not.

I am not a religious person, but I do believe that the universe works in balance.  Not because of karma or some universal distribution of crappiness, but because you bring onto yourself how you see the world. In your crusade to entertain yourself, you have turned the table onto yourself, and when something bad happens to you, you need to know that it is because you have taken from another. It is only in your heart that you know the truth, and the truth is that you are a cold, heartless, and thoughtless person who has single-handedly broken my little girls heart. My recommendation is that you make amends with the universe quickly. Give a bottle of water to a homeless person. Help an old lady with her groceries. Smile at a little kid at Walmart. You need to do something to make your soul better, because this is not about some pumpkins- this is about what kind of person you are, and what your effect on the world is.

This letter is to let you know that all your actions have very real and very direct consequences to people who are far more innocent than you are. While you, someone old enough to drive a car and experience more of the world, were able to experience...what, 20 or 30 seconds of Halloween thrill.. my two year old- A TWO YEAR OLD, was treated to the cruel realization that the world can be a cruel and thoughtless place, when all her mommy and daddy wanted to do was make Halloween magical for her.

That is what your actions have done.

If you are a teacher or someone who has kids, please feel free to share this with them. I hope it clues them into why stealing is wrong.

THIS IS A LIBERAL, LEFTIST SOCIAL PROGRESSIVE, SOCIALIST OBAMA SUPPORTER RESPONSE TO THE FOLLOWING "LETTER" THAT WAS RECENTLY POSTED ON FACEBOOK.




HERE IS THE "ORIGINAL LETTER"

To: All American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al. From: John J. Wall - a Conservative American
Dear Liberals, Leftists, and Socialists:
We've stuck together since the late 1950's, but the latest election process and your bailout stimulus plan has made me realize that I want a divorce.Although we've tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, the sad truth is that the relationship between conservatives and liberals has run its course.
SEPARATION AGREEMENT PROPOSAL
I propose that our two groups - Conservatives and Liberals - equitably divide up the country by land-mass, each of us taking approximately 50% of the total square miles. I'll concede that this is the most difficult part of the separation agreement, but I'm sure our two sides can come to terms.
After that's done, the rest should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.For example, we conservatives don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them! They're all yours!
You are also welcome to take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the affirmative action crowd, the NAACP, and the National Organization of Women. We don't want any of them.We also don't want Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. You can have them.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
Along with Pelosi and Reid, you can also have Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them).
We'll take the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, McDonald's, and Wall Street.
You can have your beloved homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll take the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's, and rednecks.
We'll take the Bibles. You can have all the copies of the "Communist Manifesto."
We'll take Fox News. You can have NBC, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC and Hollywood. You can also have National Public Television.
We get Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. You get Al Franken and Keith Oberman.
You can make nice and kiss up to Iran and Palestine . We'll retain the right to invade and hammer the crap out of any country that threatens us.
You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain.
You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We get the Hummers, SUVs, pickup trucks, motorhomes, oversized luxury cars, power boats, Harley Davidsons, and private airplanes.
You can have all of the 4-cylinder and hybrid vehicles. You get the mopeds. You can also have all the kayaks and canoes.
You can give every one of your people healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep "God Bless America " and the National Anthem.
You can have "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "KumBaYa", and "We Are the World".
We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.
And by the way . . . since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.


In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need the other's help in 15 years.
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda and Alec Baldwin. We don't want them either.

HERE IS OUR RESPONSE TO THAT LETTER:

To: The right wing, 'family values', conservative, "capitalism is more important than democracy", et. al

From: Noel Edman Bullard, a liberal human being

Re: Separation Agreement

Okay now this is something we can work with! While we are at it, let’s clarify the deal, so there is no confusion. 

First, the land mass. Since we hold the majority in most metropolitan areas, I’m assuming we get New York City, LA, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle, Portland, Phoenix, Miami, Atlanta, New Orleans, Washington DC, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Boston. You get to keep Salt Lake City ( trust me, we don’t want it), Dallas ( we get Austin), Omaha, Tulsa, Anchorage, Boise, Knoxville, San Antonio ( although I don’t know who will be left there after you kick out all of the Mexicans, but it’s yours nonetheless), and we’ll even throw in Detroit- since your all about those wonderful American cars!

We will be happy to take the UCLU, the NAACP, and NOW, but when your law enforcement is listening in on your phone calls to make sure you aren’t having immoral thoughts…well, I’m just saying it’s nice to have something like the ACLU to back you up if you need it. Additionally, I’m sorry if your African American population will miss having an organization that acts as a watchdog to make sure they are not being treated poorly- I’m sure all 15 of them will miss it. As for the NOW- well, I know you have so many women in positions of power in your big corporations- and since at least 52% of corporate big wigs are women, keeping perfectly in line with the population, you don’t really need that anyway, do you?

Yes, we hate guns and war- so you can have them. We will take a more strict approach- like having to have your gun strictly registered and monitored- like they do in Australia, Canada, and England. Meanwhile, we will enjoy the incredibly low rate of gun violence those countries share- while you can deal with the 14.24 of every 100,000 gun related deaths the US currently has. We will take the 3.05 of every 100,000 that England has. 

As for war, we have no problem taking a more diplomatic view and creating a military that is based on protecting its people, instead of inciting a war over oil- and speaking of oil…man, with all those American SUV’s, you’re going to need it! While we are driving our foreign hybrids that are coming out of efficient factories and getting 40 plus miles per gallon, you can be at the mercy of OPEC and your oil companies who are making record profits off of you Hummers…because, hey, that’s what capitalism is all about, right? You can work really hard to get a car that gets 12 miles to the gallon, and some other guy can make $9.00 a gallon on gas because he wants a new private jet! Your system is working great! 

Oh, and you should really get started on that off shore drilliing and building refineries, since it takes about 35 years to get them up and running, and by then, we will be running off renewable resources- but your system really will work better, because I think this whole "technology" thing has really run it's course.

And, while we are talking about capitalism, let’s talk about your pharmaceutical companies who have no restrictions- because your health is really just an opportunity to make money. So you can have them, and when they finally figure out a medication that helps unclog your arteries from years of eating your McDonalds, they can charge you $75 a day for that pill- because that is capitalism. Although, most of those labs are overseen by scientist- ya know that pesky science and how it’s always interfering with what the bible says- they might not be too keen to work in a country that insists that evolution doesn’t exists- but I’m sure you’ll be just fine! 

And Walmart- you can have that too- because when we say buy American- we sorta mean it, and we will take the little mom and pop stores over Chinese imports… Oh, wait- you don’t want to work with China ( those commie bastards) so, now your ‘rollbacks’ aren’t so rolled back- so it looks like your paying the same amount as we are. Oh, so sad!

Hey, by the way, how is that Wall St. working out for you these days?

Homeboys, Hippies, and Illegal Aliens- yup- we love ‘em! And while you are paying $8.00 a pound for oranges because every one of those people picking them are making at least minimum wage, well- they will be the tastiest oranges ever because it’s all about keeping it ‘all American!” ( Oh, by the way- of your Hockey mom’s, your greedy CEO’s, and the rednecks, who do you think will be the one picking those oranges? I’m just saying, rednecks, you’ve been warned).

Fox New- you can have that- it will not be missed. I prefer actual news, like every other station that has been mentions. You’ve got it all figured out- in a list of every major news organization, only ONE is truthful and honest- that seems likely! Hollywood- yeah, we’ll take it- we like movies! You can watch Magnum PI reruns and the 700 club, because we will be taking- well, every other television station. 

Healthcare- you’ve got it figured out- it’s a for profit industry. We will be more than happy to take what every other major industrialized nation has- a socialized standard of medicine where we have doctors who actually CARE about taking care of people, no matter how much they get paid. I actually prefer to have a doctor who’s vested interest is keeping me alive, instead of being another number to add to his bottom line. We will also take with us the benefits of having a decent educational system, where every child has the opportunity to become a doctor, no matter the cost involved. Your money is tied up in that nasty war over oil you’ve been fighting for 20 years, so it’s understandable that your children aren’t as well educated.

You can keep your trickle down economics- it’s been working so well! It really is the best policy to depend on the better nature of a corporation to bestow its fortune onto the people…and they do a great job at that! I mean, it’s pretty obvious that this is what they have been doing- it works out great!

Speaking of corporations, let’s get some stuff straight. We get Microsoft and Apple- so you might want to think of an alternative to Windows and your Ipod. You get Ford, GM, and Chrysler- they are in wonderful shape! You can also have American Airlines and Delta- but you might want to work out with the employees which one of our countries they want to be in, and remind them that you don’t have unions- I’m sure they won’t have a problem with that.

Religion- well, if you want the Christians- take ‘em ( although, I think most Catholics, Episcopalians, and Lutheran’s might think twice, and they are more than welcome over here) . We will be more than happy to take Islam, Humanist, Buddhist, Agnostics, Atheists, because anyone can practice their religion freely in our country. See, over here, the deity of your choosing can hear you when you pray SILENTLY at school- apparently your deity doesn’t have that sorta power. As for the Jews- well, I think you should take that up with them- I feel pretty confident which side they will pick. Hey, but look on the bright side- you get the Mormons and the Jehovah’s Witnesses- now THAT is a party!

And just so we are clear- we also get all of the gays, who will be happily married- so we also get all of the fashion industry, as well as all the gay hair stylists- you guys get the bleach blond redneck lady with the frizzy perm. We get Marc Jacobs, Michael Kors, Zac Posen, and Oscar de la Renta. You get to keep the Jacqueline Smith Collection and $12 camouflage tee shirts at your beloved Walmart. 

We get most of the Music Industry- you get to keep country western and polka- you can play them on CD’s, since we have all of the computer and MP3 players (make sure those stereos were built in the USA!!)

As for the National Anthem, the flag, and the name- you can keep those- because we know that our country is really made up of- and it’s not a piece of cloth. Our country will be a representation of its people- and not just the rich ones. We will invest in every person, and not just the ones that were fortunate enough to be born into privilege. Our national anthem will be written by a 11 year old who was inspired by her school’s music program, because it’s wasn’t a casualty of a federal budget cut in order to buy a bigger and better bomb. And that 11 year old will grow up to be prosperous, because she didn’t have kids when she was 16 because she had a comprehensive sex education class that didn’t just teach her that sex is bad- but instead taught her about being safe, and how to take precautions against having children before you are ready. Meanwhile, I’m sure all of you teenagers will be perfectly well behaved- because, hey- that’s what the bible says to do, right? 

So, we are over here- working together toward a better, just nation of diversity- you can go ahead and have a country based on your Christian values, because we all know that a theocratic government works our perfectly ( Iran and Afghanistan are perfect examples).

And we will take Jane Fonda, Alex Baldwin, and Barbara Streisand. You can have Kirk Cameron, Stephan Baldwin ( hey, all those Baldwin’s are pretty much the same, right?), and most importantly- you get Heidi and Spencer!

BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE IN ANY WAY OFFENDED BY THE FACT THAT I WROTE THIS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REMOVE ME FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST- OUR COUNTRIES WILL BE PARTING WAYS SOON ANYWAY, AND YOU WON'T HAVE A COMPUTER ANYMORE ANYWAY, SO IT SEEMS PRETTY POINTLESS TO CONTINUE THE CHARADE.