Tonight, a proposition to extend LGBT rights and establish anti-discrimination standards in my adopted hometown of Charlotte comes up for vote before Charlotte City Council. This vote has become a hot button issue and, of course, I have thoughts.
I was fortunate to spend 4 years in the Rehoboth Beach Delaware area, a mecca of tolerance. I remember straight college kids (usually boys) who were visiting, blissfully unaware of the predominance of LGBT community before their visit, making comments to me in restaurants I worked at like " What's with all the gay people?", and my response gave me a satisfaction that I have not been able to replicate since. "Here..." I would say" ..you are the minority. Does that make you uncomfortable?"
In those years, I learned so many things about the LGBT community that I feel has made me a more complete person. Before moving there, I had already learned the basics: I had known that a person who was gay or trangendered was "born that way". I had known that, too often, society placed an incorrect assessment that sexuality that was different than the norm somehow unraveled their understanding of what it means to be human- determining that this was about sex and only about sex ( and that was and is a tremendous oversight on the part of society). I had known that there were circles where people were not free to be who they are.
What I didn't fully realize is the impact that has a on a human being. What Rehoboth Beach taught me is about what being closeted does to a person.... and how being free from that dark place can change everything.
There are remnants of those dark places that run inside the LGBT community. Addiction, harmful and dangerous behavior, abuses... all built upon the foundation of self-loathing that exists when someone grows up in an environment where the do not feel free to be who they are. LGBT kids so often grow up in an environment where they have to hide... and it isn't just within immediate families. Even when there is acceptance at home, there are schoolmates, friends, the family of friends, churches, teachers, extended family. Life becomes a minefield, and keeping quiet becomes the safer choice. But, inside of that festers the darker place of shame: that who you ARE is bad.
I wish that I could only count on one hand the number of LGBT people I know who suffer from this deep shame. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Inside the younger LGBT community, that kind of dangerous shame is the rule, not the exception.
When hot-button issues like this come up, there tends to be rhetoric that passes us by. Of course, the problem with rhetoric ( and hyperbole in general) is that it removes the human element... yet each of us so completely understands the human element since our common link is that we are all human. Each of us should have a basic understanding of what it means to carry the weight of that kind of shame around.
Can you imagine that shame that exists in being forced to use a restroom that you didn't feel comfortable in?
Legal proceedings, like the overturning of DOMA and Amendment 1 here in North Carolina, and legislation like that before the Charlotte City Council tonight, change the course. The government acts as a mirror that is held up to our society to establish our own social norms. When DOMA was overturned, it didn't suddenly made everyone who is against gay marriage reevaluate their stance. What it did do was change the societal standard for the next generation. In my daughters life, gay people can and do get married and that is just how life is and that is completely the norm. Just as, in my life, white folks and black folks get married and have families, and the idea that they couldn't is completely foreign to me.
The legislation before the City Council will not make it that people suddenly feel comfortable with a transgendered person in the bathroom, but it sets in stone that we have a path we would like to see for our society: that our children grow up seeing a world where they are not bound by what their society thinks they should be, and transgendered children do not feel the shame that their predecessors has to. Legislation like this is our social mirror.
The most disturbing or rhetoric that I have witnessed has been the statements that this legislation will open the door for people (specifically men) with ill intent to dress up like women for deviant sexual purposes in public restrooms. To this I have three thoughts:
1) Eww.... do you really think that what occurs in a woman public bathroom is sexual? I fear that people instantly go to this mindset should worry more about their own ideas about sexual norms than other peoples, because it would never ever occur to me that a restroom would be a cornerstone of sexual impropriety.
2) Interesting that the main concern is what will happen if men get into womens bathrooms, but no attention is paid to the idea that women would dress up like a man to get into a man bathroom. I think this speaks volumes about the social mindset regarding men, women, and the standards we set in the regards of sexual desire of each gender role.
3) ( and most importantly) You will not often hear me speak about gun rights, but at some point, you need to speak on the same level as those you are arguing against. Repeatedly, I have heard that the argument against gun control is that law abiding citizens should have their rights taken away because of criminals, and pointing to the idea that more laws are not going to stop criminals because they are criminals. Well, what is good for the goose.....
A person who would do such a thing is a criminal.... the law is not going to stop them, just like gun control laws would not stop a criminal from using a gun to commit an illegal act. If someone is so messed up that they get their jollies from going into an opposite sex bathroom for gratification, I doubt that what has stopped them is the fact that they aren't legally allowed to do it. The assertion made is that suddenly public restrooms will be a place you should fear stepping into because you ( or your children) could be victimized at any moment. Let's make this perfectly clear... sexual assault and sexually inappropriate behavior is STILL illegal, regardless of where it happens. If you think that someone can do something sexually inappropriate in a public restroom and would not be prosecuted because of this new legislation, that your understanding of legal standards is severely lacking. Again, back to the gun analogy. Guns are legal. Owning a gun is not illegal. Doing something that harms another person with that gun IS illegal. You aren't allowed to shoot someone in a parking lot and then say " But, I'm allowed to own a gun, so shooting that person was totally legal". Ummm... no.
At the core of this issue comes down to what is right and what is wrong. I am a woman. I would not feel comfortable in a mens restroom. It is not my place to tell someone else who identifies as a woman that they should feel any differently than I do, and to say that one persons comfort level is paramount to anothers is exactly what we need to overcome as a society.
I do not trump anyone. We are all born with inherent worth and the right to dignity. Our standards thus far in our society have sadly fallen short in that right, stripping dignity from others who we deem 'different'. It is not until we realize that 'different' does not equal 'wrong' that we all become better, and we hand our children a society they can be proud of.
