Today, I turn 39. As I round this last base toward 40, I'm thinking about where I am now verses where I was just a few short years ago. For those of you that need the Readers Digest version of events, I've spent the last 4 years finding my own bliss and inside of that I have rediscovered my own marriage, embraced my own worthiness, let go of shame, stress and perfectionism, become a far better parent, lost 114 pounds, and become a happier, healthier and more well rounded version of myself..
Easy, right!?!
I could likely spend hours and hours talking about how I got here and the benefits of what I've done. But, instead, I'm going to touch on 5 changes I've made, and 5 rewards that I've experienced as a result of those changes.
Change #1: Embracing Vulnerability
It started with a TED talk. Well, really it started with a several month long nervous breakdown and me searching for something that would help... then a TED talk. The speaker was Brene Brown, and if I could tell Dr. Brown how much she has changed my life, I would. Her insight made more sense to me and my struggles than anything else I have seen. And I started where she starts: Vulnerability.
I, like most people, saw vulnerability as weakness. The idea of admitting when I was struggling would fill me with panic. I existed in a world where my self-worth was bound and tied (like a hostage victim) to the perception that I was doing everything perfectly and that nobody would see the cracks in my armor. I was convinced that if anyone saw me struggling they would determine me fundamentally unlovable. I could go on and on about my "unlovability" issues, but unpacking that box is a bit much for a random blog post. The point here is that I started with embracing vulnerability- admitting when I struggled. I started small... in fact, I can tell you the very first time I did it ( a Facebook post admitting to the world that I felt like a bad mommy because I forgot my daughters Jeans Day at school). This was toe-in-the-water stuff, but I did it. At first, it had to be an act of will... I had to decide to do this thing that was incredibly uncomfortable to me. But, not even slowly, I went from toe to foot to leg to dipping myself fully into the warm water of vulnerability. And this amazing thing happened...
It didn't kill me.
Not only did it not kill me, but I found it completely satisfying. When I said I was struggling, I didn't get back 'OMG- I can't believe you struggle with that! You must be a completely unlovable moron'. Instead, I got a line of people who echoed my struggle with 'Oh, I've been there!', 'I know exactly how you feel', and 'That thing doesn't make you horrible at all!'. The more vulnerable I was, the more people embraced me. My relationships got stronger as a result of me allowing others to see me... really see me- warts and all. If I had to pick just one thing that changed me, it would be embracing vulnerability, and in fact, the rest of my changes list are really just variations of embracing vulnerability. It was a game changer.
Reward #1- I am Flawed and Amazing
It's difficult for me to pick just one reward to attribute to embracing vulnerability, but if my hand is forced, I would say it's this:
The more I admitted I struggled, the more worthy I felt.-
This felt, at first, to be an inverse correlation. How would it be that exposing my flaws ( and there are many) would make me feel like a better person? I can't entirely explain in, but as I peeled away each layer of 'weakness', I was casting aside the shame that protected it for so long. Each failure and struggle stopped being a representation of *who I was*. Guilt is 'I did something wrong'... Shame is "I AM wrong". And when you start to exercise vulnerability and shed the trappings of failure and struggling being the whole of who you are ( and find that people not only don't reject you, but actually embrace you more!), your sense of self-worth begins to skyrocket. I felt like a superhero who was hiding away her cape for so long for fear that someone would judge me for it.
The take away: If you want to feel awesome and be awesome, start by admitting all the ways that you aren't awesome.
Change #2- Authenticity
Like I said, I could likely place everything under the umbrella of vulnerability, but identifying what authenticity looks like and what that means does deserve it's own recognition.
Authenticity is about truth: the truth of what happens, the truth of who we are, the truth of how we feel. The best way to understand authenticity is to understand what it's not.
Authenticity is not avoiding a hard conversation. Authenticity is not pretending that everything is fine because confronting that it's not fine is difficult or uncomfortable. Authenticity is not burying our heads in the sand and hoping that everything will get better with time. And, most importantly, authenticity is not pretending to be the person that we think others want us to be so they will love us.
Reward #2 You Get to Love the REAL Me
When you live authentically- tell the truth, even the ones that don't make you look or feel so great, you are allowing others to make a choice, and it's a really important choice: love the real me... or don't. But, I'm not going to proceed in a relationship with you where I am not me, because that is a relationship based on a lie.
Looking back on my life, I can see now that I have had a lot of relationships like this. Relationships where I twisted myself into being a person I thought others wanted me to be. Looking at it now, I realize that it's sort of like someone falling in love with an actor who they expect to be a character from one of their roles. John Cusack is not Lloyd Dobler. Kate Winslet was not on the Titanic. Any relationship where the expectation that they are those people is a relationship doomed for failure. It's silly to think to yourself "I don't understand why this person doesn't love me wholly and completely when I've completely hidden away everything that I think and feel that they wouldn't like." I mean, really... that's insanity.
The takeaway here: A relationship that is based in truth will always be more rewarding, even if he truths are uncomfortable in a moment.
Change #3 Re-Framing Toxic Relationships
This is hard, because each of these really do relate to one another, so this is a branch to authenticity... but it's an important one.
It is perfectly okay to have expectations from others in your relationships...sorta.
Allow me to explain. It is okay to be authentic with others. It is okay to expect authenticity from others. In fact, these things aren't just okay- they are vital. What is not okay is expecting that others will simply bend to your way. They won't. But, it's important that you set the standard, so long as you understand that the standard will lead to either an authentic relationship or parting ways with someone who either isn't real with you or isn't okay with the real you.
In this it's really important to understand your role in toxic relationships. You need to move beyond the idea of being the victim of someone else's toxicity and look at the role you play there. Very often you will find that you contributed to a toxic environment, either because you were unwilling to be authentic with them or because you are tied to some idea that you had to have a relationship with them that was framed by something other than your actually feelings about them.
This is especially true with family.
I'm not sure if this dates back to a tribal society, where our family became the cornerstone of our survival, but the more I talk to people, the more I find that there are people who feel tied to family members regardless of their actually feelings about those family members. While we can maintain good, positive relationships with people that we pick, we can also have these incredibly toxic, inauthentic relationships that bare little resemblance to actual relationships under the auspices that we 'have to'. This is crap... we don't have to. We are not required to have have a relationship with those people...or, should I say, I are not require to change the standard of relationships with those people.
This is not the same as 'cutting out the cancer'. You shouldn't suddenly start a pink-slip line to every relative you don't have an authentic relationship with, because there is value in family relationships. It means you have to work even harder to FIND an authentic relationship there. You have to start an authentic relationships with them, and ask them to do the same. You have to, in your own way, say "I'm in if you are in, but it's going to be real and I'm going to hold you to the same standard as someone who isn't family". DNA does not bind you to someone and does not bind you to a toxic relationship, and it does not remove the need for authenticity. However, if you can find an authentic relationship there, it has the potential to be one of the greatest relationships you can have.
Reward #3 Quality, Not Quantity
The reward here is simple to understand: you might not have as many relationships, but the ones you have will be worth a great deal more. This is the difference between having 3,000 Twitter followers who scroll right past what you say and having 10 Twitter followers who are engaged, replying and retweeting. The truth is that Twitter ( like life) isn't interesting without engagement and connection, and Twitter doesn't give you any personal satisfaction without notifications of engagement from others.
There is a temptation to revert when the re-framing of relationships goes sour... and it can. People you thought you knew may not like the new 'authentic' you. That has to be okay, and you have to allow them that, because a relationship with the fake you won't give you much anyway... just like John Cusack can't possibly pursue a fulfilling relationship with someone who wants him to stand outside their window blasting Peter Gabriel.
Change #4 Parenting without Perfection
The hardest part of my nervous breakdown was seeing what my behavior was doing to my child. I was setting her up for an impossible standard. Children see all and mimic all. When I was on a path of hiding everything- burying my struggles, hiding behind perfectionism, pursuing inauthentic relationships- I was setting the stage for a child who existed within the same vacuum of shame that I existed in for so long ( if not worse!).
If you think about it, childhood is the perfect space in which to breed shame. In childhood, you are pretty much a prime target for having blame and shame hoisted upon you, while those who put it on you never have to do the same. Being is kid is all about what you do wrong. Your room isn't clean enough... your homework isn't right... don't use those words... bad bad bad bad. But, kids never get to be authentic back. They don't get to say " Hey, mom, I noticed you haven't folded the laundry in three days'. In fact, one of the major perks of being a grownup is that we can be imperfect under someone else's standard and not be called out on it.... while childhood is pretty much constantly being called out on it. And one of the perks of parenthood ( a really flawed perk, in my opinion) is that we hide away our own imperfections and struggles in order to maintain a false sense of authority, demanding "respect" because of our title as mom or dad... even if we don't deserve it.
This is the perfect stage for another inauthentic, toxic relationship. And, if you ask grown children about their parents, it's not difficult to see this.
So, I changed my own behavior and I started owning my flaws to my kid. I stopped hiding my imperfections and struggles and started sharing them with her. In fact, in our family, we have a time at dinner when we share our struggles for the day. We started embracing being honest over being proper. We let go of the idea of respect-for-respects-sake, and started working toward the idea that if we wanted to have a positive impact on our child's life, we had to earn it authentically. We want her to love the real us... not the perfect image we 'allowed' her to see.
And most importantly, we wanted her to know that she was worthy of love, even when ( or especially when) she wasn't perfect.
Reward #4 My Kid Screws Up... and That's Okay
I would love to tell you that I've embraced all of this and I suddenly have a child who does no wrong... but that's not true. My kid messes up and I still get irritated by it. But, we talk about it... really talk about it. And when she messes up, she owns it. She doesn't hide from it. She takes it on, and her ability to embrace the bad feelings makes it that she's not afraid.
And I was raising a child who was afraid of bad feelings.
The differences are something that you would have to be a parent to understand. My daughter tried out for a school play... a child who a few years ago would have been so terrified of failure that she wouldn't even try. Tests don't give her anxiety anymore. Last summer she rode on rollercoasters... because she decided that she wasn't afraid of being afraid. Just last week, at her school's Holiday Show, my daughter was one of about 7 kids from a class of 80 who was up front and performing a choreographed dance to a song. She told us after the fact that the way she was picked to be in that group of dancers was that simply asked who wanted to be brave enough to do it. If you have a child who has been afraid to take risks, you will understand why this filled me with more pride than if she had been told to be one of the dancers because she knew it better than other kids or because she was a better dancer. Think about that for a second- less than 10% of those kids were brave enough to get up there and dance in front of their families.
Telling, right?
So, my child lives in a world where making a mistake is just that. It's not tied to her self-worth. It's not about how lovable she is. Her parents actively work to earn her love and respect. We want our kid to like who we are, and we don't demand love from her based on our position or fear. When we talk to her, she really listens... she doesn't just listen because she's afraid of the consequences for not listening. And, most importantly, she has a mom who is willing to admit when she is wrong, and isn't afraid of the risk of that. She is braver because I am braver.
Change #5 Stop Towing Someone Else's Line
I think that if there is one thing that has changed fundamentally about it, it's that I don't hold on to other people's ideas about rightness or wrongness like I use to. This is a big one, so bear with me for a minute.
I use to carry around this idea that good and bad were binary. Either you are A, B, C, and D and you were good or your were X, Y and Z and your were bad. You fell into a certain camp, and if you thought A and B, you couldn't also think Y and Z without being rejected.
What is funny about this is that is that my perception isn't wrong... this is how people operate. People do operate under the idea that this *IS* the party line, and if you don't agree with each and every point in the party line, you are not a part of the party and will be rejected.
The difference now? I don't care.
I can agree with A, B, and C, but not agree with D, and not be afraid of the consequences of not agreeing with D. Also, I can agree with X and Y... or even points of X and points of Y. I can work to understand the position of others without diminishing them or reducing their ideas to soundbites. I can look at facts objectively and form my own opinions and not be afraid of rejection by my peers.
I am done being shamed from having thoughts and feelings that you don't agree with. And I am done shaming others for doing the same.
Result #5 I Am Enough, and So Are You
This is all about embracing vulnerability, authenticity and the letting go of shame, and speaks far more about my relationship to others than it does about me. Because, for the first time, I'm willing to listen to what people have to say without my own filter. When I stopped towing other people's lines, I was able to finally form opinions of my own... and find common ground where I didn't before. I have a desire to be really seen by other, but even more intensely, I have a desire to see who others really are. In my asking of others to stop assigning values to me, I have stopped assigning values to others. Now, I will hear your opinion and thoughts and try to understand your position, instead of just chalking up your ideas as stupid, uneducated or worthless. I will practice active empathy, instead of just asking others to have empathy for me.
I have stopped simply waiting for my turn to talk.
The take-away from this one is simple: in my own journey toward worthiness, I have discovered the worthiness of others. I work to see them in the way I now desire to be seen. I lived my life for so long in fear of being reduced by others, only to realize that I was reducing others, and when I stopped allowing that fear to control me I was finally able to stop letting my ideas control others.
This feels like a good place to end, but like all great lists, there has to be a bonus. So...
Bonus: I Am Worthy Because I Am Worthy
Dr. Brown says it best: The people who have real connect with others have that because they believe they are worthy of connect. It is that simple and that complicated.
My connections are stronger and I am stronger because I believe I am worthy of that much. I am vulnerable because my flaws are not tied to my worthiness. I am authentic because I believe that the real honest me is worthy of being real and honest. I am in real, non-toxic relationships because I believe I am worthy of real relationships. I parent with imperfection because I believe that myself and my child have worth regardless of everything being perfect. I have expanded by universe of understanding that even a differing opinion has worth, whether it's my opinion or yours.
A few years ago, I might have looked at my life and said I was lucky. That's not how I feel today. My life and my happiness is not happenstance or randomness. I decided to have this life. I made a decision to have enough compassion for myself to knock down those walls and rebuild them into something better, and I am continuing to do that everyday. Year 38 was way better than year 37, and I am walking into year 39 confident that it will be even better than year 38. This year has been a full of ups and downs, but it has been the perfect backdrop to discover how these things have changed me, and to challenge this new way of thinking and find out exactly how far it can go... and apparently it can go much further than even I anticipated.
I kicked 2016's ass... I plan on kicking 2017's ass. But, for now, I'm going to go and enjoy some Melting Pot with my sweet husband and enjoy being me.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Why Donald Trumps words against women won't matter 11 years later
Yesterday, I picked up my daughter from school. She relayed something bad that happened. Her bully, a boy who has relentlessly taunted her for almost a year and had put is hands on her in a physically aggressive manner twice in the last three weeks, was given the 'Wisdom' recognition with other children during that morning's assembly. She was confused on how the school can possibly think that this boy displayed any qualities that would garner him an award. I tried to explain that these awards are given to every child throughout the year, all under different umbrella concepts, but that really, they are 'participation awards'... everyone gets one.
But I understood how she felt. I've been there... watching as people who have done something wrong go on with their lives without their wrongs held against them. I know how it hurts.
When I was 13, a boy in my class showed up at my apartment when my mother was not home. I let him in because I didn't anticipate what was about to happen. After just a few minutes, he cornered me and grabbed at my breasts. It was unwelcome, and when he didn't stop when I tried to push his hands away, I kneed him in the balls. He doubled over, and we were fortunately close enough to the front door that I was able to open the door and push him out of it.
That moment is not what damaged me. Don't get me wrong- the moment of unwanted grabbing that so many many women have experienced has an impact. Those moments seem to go so fast and so slow at the same time. The gut-punch of someone invading your personal space and taking a part of your body as something that belongs to them.... the not knowing how to react in the moment. There is an impact. But frankly, that wasn't what scarred me. It was the weeks that followed that left the deepest wounds.
I instantly called a friend who lived down the street. I was 13 and I didn't really know what to do. I told her exactly what happened. Word got out and I was quickly painted as a liar. He denied it ever happened, and one of his friends even backed him up by saying that it couldn't have happened because he was at his house. I spent months with people whispering that I was a liar, his friends calling my house and harassing me. When people talk about how victims of sexual assault are victimized over and over again, it's the truth. This is the environment that being sexually assaulted puts you into... constantly having to be on the defensive. Justifying why it was wrong, often having to defend that it happened at all. This is the reason that people often do not report sexual assault.
I know a lot of people who have been the victim of sexual assault encounters. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to speak about women... but I assure you that I am aware that it is not just women who are victimized like this. For women who have experienced this... an unwanted grab, a moment of fear, and invasion of our personal sexual space... they hear what Donald Trump said and they think to themselves " That's exactly the kind of environment that created my perpetrator".
I want to clarify something. All those many many years ago, the perception was that I was lying... that I had to be lying... because him grabbing my breasts had to be an indicator that he liked me and found me attractive, and I was not an attractive little girl, so clearly I was a liar. This would be the perception of someone with a healthy sexual attitude... but it is a myth, and it is the reason that sexual assault is about power and not about physical attraction. I never felt like this kid 'liked' me. I never felt that this was about other than something very simple. He wanted to touch a girls body. I was a girl. Any girl would have done... I was an easy mark. He felt like he was entitled to touch me even if I didn't want him to. Somewhere along the line, something told him that was his right, and that my rights not to be touched didn't matter.
Painting me as a liar was easy for him, and really made it simple for him to do what he wanted and move on.
But when I think about the difficult part, what really stand out to me was the fact that I had to watch him move in with his life with everyone around him allowing it. He would continue to get praise when he did something right. He would get parts in school productions, get recognition for achievements and I would have to just have to move on with my life, watching as what he did to me wasn't a part of those decision making processes.
So, when my daughter tells me that she doesn't understand, I understand that feeling.
That same day, I watched as what little defense was available for Donald Trumps graphic words about women and how he is allowed to treat them, and I wasn't shocked by what his defenders said.
"It was 11 years ago".
" It's words, not actions".
And in my mind, the rule has become that a person who participates in inappropriate sexual abuses toward another is given much more latitude than those who are victimized. Because I can tell you for sure that here I sit... 25 years later... and I'm sure that boy has not thought about me or what he did to me in those years. But I have. Many many many times. I have thoughts like " I have a girl... I wonder if he had kids and if he has a 13 year old daughter and how he would feel if someone did that to his little girl." And, I'll admit it... I found him online. I've only looked once. He appears to moved on to a life that is both middle-class and unremarkable. Part of me thought I might find someone with a history of sexual abuse.. that I was witness to the start of the monster he would become. But, alas, that is not the case. In his middle-of-the-road career, nobody ever asked him about that time when he tried to feel up a protesting little girl while having her backed up against a corner and the subsequent campaign to discredit her to her peers. They don't care. He doesn't care. I can assure you that I still care.
When I hear those words and the response, which aligns itself well with the 'boys will be boys' mentality... things like 'locker room talk'.... and I wonder about what kind of 'locker room talk' led to that moment in the corner of my apartment. I become disheartened. I don't want this for my little girl; A social mentality that the objectification of women and their bodies and the public perception that a woman's body parts are someone else's to be taken, instead of hers to provide. And worse, that people who say those things are allowed to be forgiven and that we should all just move on from it. This DEFINES rape culture. It is a society that tells us that talk doesn't matter and that actions don't matter if they can't be absolutely proven, and that the burden of that proof rests on a victim and not on the perpetrator... especially when it comes to matters like a woman's right to not be groped. It is a society that tells us that time has passed and we should just get over it.
And it's the fact that time does pass and when you are victimized like that, the world ' getting over it' sometimes hurts more than the act itself. The fact that the playing field is that leveled hurts. He shouldn't have equal opportunity. He shouldn't get a participation award. The bar for unforgivable actions and words should change.
So, when I mesh all of these thoughts together, this is what I come to: We will be told that Donald Trump's words don't matter because they weren't actions. And actions are the indicators of a sexual predator, not words. But women who have been sexually abused in some manner know that those words drift into the ears of little boys who don't understand those lines, and what they hear is a reinforcement that what they want, they should take. I wouldn't say that what Donald Trump said makes him a sexual predator.... but I can tell you that it defines what we mean when we say 'rape culture', in that a woman's body parts are available for the taking regardless of the intent. I will tell you that the idea that objectification like this is exactly why women are painted as liars. You tell men and boys that women's bodies are for their use, and then when they take them and abuse them, you play it off like 'well that was just talk', and people with healthy sexual attitudes don't understand that for some people with unhealthy sexual attitudes, it's not about attraction... it's about power, and they don't believe a victim because in their minds, it wouldn't happen any other way.
Donald Trump's words from 11 years ago matter today to victims of sexual assault know that there isn't a timeline when it becomes okay... just like my daughter knows that the kid who pushed her to the ground last week didn't deserve any kind of recognition yesterday. Because in the harsh light of reality, words and actions have far greater consequences than most people realize, and the standard of forgiveness with the passage of time echos in the ears of victims far longer than any of us should be comfortable with.
But I understood how she felt. I've been there... watching as people who have done something wrong go on with their lives without their wrongs held against them. I know how it hurts.
When I was 13, a boy in my class showed up at my apartment when my mother was not home. I let him in because I didn't anticipate what was about to happen. After just a few minutes, he cornered me and grabbed at my breasts. It was unwelcome, and when he didn't stop when I tried to push his hands away, I kneed him in the balls. He doubled over, and we were fortunately close enough to the front door that I was able to open the door and push him out of it.
That moment is not what damaged me. Don't get me wrong- the moment of unwanted grabbing that so many many women have experienced has an impact. Those moments seem to go so fast and so slow at the same time. The gut-punch of someone invading your personal space and taking a part of your body as something that belongs to them.... the not knowing how to react in the moment. There is an impact. But frankly, that wasn't what scarred me. It was the weeks that followed that left the deepest wounds.
I instantly called a friend who lived down the street. I was 13 and I didn't really know what to do. I told her exactly what happened. Word got out and I was quickly painted as a liar. He denied it ever happened, and one of his friends even backed him up by saying that it couldn't have happened because he was at his house. I spent months with people whispering that I was a liar, his friends calling my house and harassing me. When people talk about how victims of sexual assault are victimized over and over again, it's the truth. This is the environment that being sexually assaulted puts you into... constantly having to be on the defensive. Justifying why it was wrong, often having to defend that it happened at all. This is the reason that people often do not report sexual assault.
I know a lot of people who have been the victim of sexual assault encounters. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to speak about women... but I assure you that I am aware that it is not just women who are victimized like this. For women who have experienced this... an unwanted grab, a moment of fear, and invasion of our personal sexual space... they hear what Donald Trump said and they think to themselves " That's exactly the kind of environment that created my perpetrator".
I want to clarify something. All those many many years ago, the perception was that I was lying... that I had to be lying... because him grabbing my breasts had to be an indicator that he liked me and found me attractive, and I was not an attractive little girl, so clearly I was a liar. This would be the perception of someone with a healthy sexual attitude... but it is a myth, and it is the reason that sexual assault is about power and not about physical attraction. I never felt like this kid 'liked' me. I never felt that this was about other than something very simple. He wanted to touch a girls body. I was a girl. Any girl would have done... I was an easy mark. He felt like he was entitled to touch me even if I didn't want him to. Somewhere along the line, something told him that was his right, and that my rights not to be touched didn't matter.
Painting me as a liar was easy for him, and really made it simple for him to do what he wanted and move on.
But when I think about the difficult part, what really stand out to me was the fact that I had to watch him move in with his life with everyone around him allowing it. He would continue to get praise when he did something right. He would get parts in school productions, get recognition for achievements and I would have to just have to move on with my life, watching as what he did to me wasn't a part of those decision making processes.
So, when my daughter tells me that she doesn't understand, I understand that feeling.
That same day, I watched as what little defense was available for Donald Trumps graphic words about women and how he is allowed to treat them, and I wasn't shocked by what his defenders said.
"It was 11 years ago".
" It's words, not actions".
And in my mind, the rule has become that a person who participates in inappropriate sexual abuses toward another is given much more latitude than those who are victimized. Because I can tell you for sure that here I sit... 25 years later... and I'm sure that boy has not thought about me or what he did to me in those years. But I have. Many many many times. I have thoughts like " I have a girl... I wonder if he had kids and if he has a 13 year old daughter and how he would feel if someone did that to his little girl." And, I'll admit it... I found him online. I've only looked once. He appears to moved on to a life that is both middle-class and unremarkable. Part of me thought I might find someone with a history of sexual abuse.. that I was witness to the start of the monster he would become. But, alas, that is not the case. In his middle-of-the-road career, nobody ever asked him about that time when he tried to feel up a protesting little girl while having her backed up against a corner and the subsequent campaign to discredit her to her peers. They don't care. He doesn't care. I can assure you that I still care.
When I hear those words and the response, which aligns itself well with the 'boys will be boys' mentality... things like 'locker room talk'.... and I wonder about what kind of 'locker room talk' led to that moment in the corner of my apartment. I become disheartened. I don't want this for my little girl; A social mentality that the objectification of women and their bodies and the public perception that a woman's body parts are someone else's to be taken, instead of hers to provide. And worse, that people who say those things are allowed to be forgiven and that we should all just move on from it. This DEFINES rape culture. It is a society that tells us that talk doesn't matter and that actions don't matter if they can't be absolutely proven, and that the burden of that proof rests on a victim and not on the perpetrator... especially when it comes to matters like a woman's right to not be groped. It is a society that tells us that time has passed and we should just get over it.
And it's the fact that time does pass and when you are victimized like that, the world ' getting over it' sometimes hurts more than the act itself. The fact that the playing field is that leveled hurts. He shouldn't have equal opportunity. He shouldn't get a participation award. The bar for unforgivable actions and words should change.
So, when I mesh all of these thoughts together, this is what I come to: We will be told that Donald Trump's words don't matter because they weren't actions. And actions are the indicators of a sexual predator, not words. But women who have been sexually abused in some manner know that those words drift into the ears of little boys who don't understand those lines, and what they hear is a reinforcement that what they want, they should take. I wouldn't say that what Donald Trump said makes him a sexual predator.... but I can tell you that it defines what we mean when we say 'rape culture', in that a woman's body parts are available for the taking regardless of the intent. I will tell you that the idea that objectification like this is exactly why women are painted as liars. You tell men and boys that women's bodies are for their use, and then when they take them and abuse them, you play it off like 'well that was just talk', and people with healthy sexual attitudes don't understand that for some people with unhealthy sexual attitudes, it's not about attraction... it's about power, and they don't believe a victim because in their minds, it wouldn't happen any other way.
Donald Trump's words from 11 years ago matter today to victims of sexual assault know that there isn't a timeline when it becomes okay... just like my daughter knows that the kid who pushed her to the ground last week didn't deserve any kind of recognition yesterday. Because in the harsh light of reality, words and actions have far greater consequences than most people realize, and the standard of forgiveness with the passage of time echos in the ears of victims far longer than any of us should be comfortable with.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Progress Pics ( What does 8 months of weight loss look like!?!)
June, 2015
Dec, 2015
Jan. 2016
Feb., 2016
July 2015
Basic Before and After
102 lbs gone in 8 months.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Why did it take me so long to be happy?
This morning was so very typical. I woke up earlier than the rest of the family. Got my coffee. Got my protein. Settled in for my peaceful hour and a half of internet, mindless TV and French Bulldog snuggling. Seven o'clock rolls around and I swear that I'm going to change that alarm on my phone that goes off just in case I fall back asleep, because the song is so very annoying. I step into kiddo's room and give her the morning snuggles that she and I have become accustom to, before making her roll out to the living room to get dressed while I make her cinnamon toast. I threaten to eat said cinnamon toast if she doesn't start to hustle as we're in minute ten of her getting pants on ( an empty threat... she know it... I know it... I can't even eat cinnamon toast anymore!). Again, a completely normal weekday morning.
Then, after being partially dressed and getting her toast, kiddo makes a poor decision. A series of poor decisions, to be exact. She does something she shouldn't, and then attempts to hide the evidence of the first poor decision with yet another poor decision. I catch her in both poor decisions, and proceed to ask her why she would do such a thing.
Again, a completely normal weekday morning.
This is life with kids, and for what feels like the billionth time, I try to explain to her that she needs to think through her actions, weigh the consequences, and most of all that she needs to not be sneaky and try to hide her poor decisions, because it just makes everything worse. THIS is the lesson I have spent the last 9 years trying to teach her. THIS is the lesson I have failed miserably at trying to teach her, and THIS is the one thing that I cannot seem to get through to her.
We got through the trauma of the whole thing and she left for school with a hug and a kiss and a " let's not let this ruin our day" pep-talk. And after she left, I was still struggling with this unattainable goal of teaching my daughter how to think through what she was doing in a way that wasn't destructive to her, to me, or to the rest of the world. Then I thought about what a really HUGE thing that is to ask of anyone. And then I thought about if I could do that. And then I thought to myself "Yeah- ya know what... I AM doing that......
......But it took me 38 years to get here."
And that's the rub.
I'm quite positive that my mother had this same battle with me, and continued with that battle until such time as it was apparent that I either wasn't going to listen or that the chances of me actually destroying something dropped under a reasonable threshold of ten or fifteen percent. Or until she didn't have the legal right to try to tell me differently.
I can recall the moment when I shifted into a full understanding that I needed to stand on my own two feet. Well, to say there was one moment is an understatement, since I've dipped back into " mommy, I need your help" well a few more times that I would like to admit. But, in general, I know the moment that I figured out that if I was going to move forward with this whole " adult" thing, I needed to step the fuck up. I was 20 years old. The details aren't important, but the end result is. I knew that my actions had consequences. Unfortunately, it still took me another 18 years to figure out exactly how big a part of my own life I really was.
In the middle of this whole to-do this morning with my daughter, she hid under a blanket. This is a pretty standard response for her when she's in a situation she doesn't like. She literally hides from it. We've talked to her about this... tried to get her to explore her feelings about it. It's not hard to understand. She's externally replicating her outsides to match how she feels on the inside, and what she wants to do is not be seen. She wants to hide from the bad feeling. I get this in every imaginable way... wanted to hide all the bad. The guilt, the shame, the embarrassment. Feeling that way sucks, and most unfortunately, being a kid is full of those moments.
And again, this is a battle that I have fought repeatedly- how to teach my daughter not to hide from the bad feelings. And- AGAIN- this is a lesson it took me 38 years to learn, so how in the world can I expect her to learn it at the age of 9!?!?
I do not begin to know how to teach her this thing that I can't even really grasp mentally, but I have embraced emotionally. That OWNING the bad feeling has made me better, healthier, and happier. That for the first time, a few years ago, I stopped hiding from all of the things that made me feel icky and started just putting it out there. When I screw up, I own it. When I'm unhappy with something, I say it. When I feel something, I make it known. I live a more authentic life because when something causes me pain, I completely possess it and that gives me the power to change it.
Sometimes, it doesn't turn out the way I hoped. There is one particular thing that has happened in my life where this authenticity backfired on me. I've lost someone that means a great deal to me. I was honest about how the choices they made impacted me. They thought I was being judgmental. I stand firm on the fact that I don't think that a decade of staying silent about the impact of their choices on my life is an indicator of being judgmental. I wanted my new found authenticity to be a jumping off point for a better and more honest relationship between us. They did not want the same. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Sometimes it hurts so much that I want to go back under the metaphorical blanket and hide from it. But, it took me 38 years to get here, and I can't go back now.
Here is the part that makes it difficult to teach me daughter about this stuff... that bad decisions have consequences. Because GOOD decisions have consequences too. And sometimes decisions have absolutely NOTHING to do with any of it. And sometimes you can actually do everything right. You can live in the truth, you can bask in the sunlight of being honest and authentic and you will still get burnt. Hurt is not completely avoidable. Life will happen and no amount of authenticity will stop it. And she will sit there one day, if she ever actually listens to me, and she will hurt in a way that is different than this hurt, because she's trying to do what her mommy told her. She's living an honest authentic life and life is still going to punch her in the gut sometimes.
The thing that it took me so long to figure out is that these two things are not mutually exclusive, and that it was consistent denial of an authentic life that was leading to a consistent unhappiness. I stayed under that metaphorical blanket so long that I was blinded by the mere hint of light. If I don't hide from the bad stuff, the bad stuff isn't as bad, and even when it is bad, because life happens anyway, I have so many great moments where I am free that it doesn't all seem like a horrible existence overall. Bad things become bad things and not an indicator of a bad life.
And that is why it took me so long to be happy.
Now, I have to figure out how to make my kid understand that. I'm no closer to answers, really. And while my current resolve is that maybe it's not a completely failure that my 9 year old hasn't learned what it took me 38 years to figure out, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. Because, after all, I would hate for her to miss out on that kind of happiness for the next 29 years.
So, I guess I have to show by example, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep notching away at this particular parenting problem. And- maybe someday- I'll accept that enough time has passed that she's below that 10-15% threshold of destruction. And- many years from now, she'll write a blog post about how she's finally got things figured out...
and I'll laugh and laugh and laugh ( just like my mother is likely doing right now!).
Then, after being partially dressed and getting her toast, kiddo makes a poor decision. A series of poor decisions, to be exact. She does something she shouldn't, and then attempts to hide the evidence of the first poor decision with yet another poor decision. I catch her in both poor decisions, and proceed to ask her why she would do such a thing.
Again, a completely normal weekday morning.
This is life with kids, and for what feels like the billionth time, I try to explain to her that she needs to think through her actions, weigh the consequences, and most of all that she needs to not be sneaky and try to hide her poor decisions, because it just makes everything worse. THIS is the lesson I have spent the last 9 years trying to teach her. THIS is the lesson I have failed miserably at trying to teach her, and THIS is the one thing that I cannot seem to get through to her.
We got through the trauma of the whole thing and she left for school with a hug and a kiss and a " let's not let this ruin our day" pep-talk. And after she left, I was still struggling with this unattainable goal of teaching my daughter how to think through what she was doing in a way that wasn't destructive to her, to me, or to the rest of the world. Then I thought about what a really HUGE thing that is to ask of anyone. And then I thought about if I could do that. And then I thought to myself "Yeah- ya know what... I AM doing that......
......But it took me 38 years to get here."
And that's the rub.
I'm quite positive that my mother had this same battle with me, and continued with that battle until such time as it was apparent that I either wasn't going to listen or that the chances of me actually destroying something dropped under a reasonable threshold of ten or fifteen percent. Or until she didn't have the legal right to try to tell me differently.
I can recall the moment when I shifted into a full understanding that I needed to stand on my own two feet. Well, to say there was one moment is an understatement, since I've dipped back into " mommy, I need your help" well a few more times that I would like to admit. But, in general, I know the moment that I figured out that if I was going to move forward with this whole " adult" thing, I needed to step the fuck up. I was 20 years old. The details aren't important, but the end result is. I knew that my actions had consequences. Unfortunately, it still took me another 18 years to figure out exactly how big a part of my own life I really was.
In the middle of this whole to-do this morning with my daughter, she hid under a blanket. This is a pretty standard response for her when she's in a situation she doesn't like. She literally hides from it. We've talked to her about this... tried to get her to explore her feelings about it. It's not hard to understand. She's externally replicating her outsides to match how she feels on the inside, and what she wants to do is not be seen. She wants to hide from the bad feeling. I get this in every imaginable way... wanted to hide all the bad. The guilt, the shame, the embarrassment. Feeling that way sucks, and most unfortunately, being a kid is full of those moments.
And again, this is a battle that I have fought repeatedly- how to teach my daughter not to hide from the bad feelings. And- AGAIN- this is a lesson it took me 38 years to learn, so how in the world can I expect her to learn it at the age of 9!?!?
I do not begin to know how to teach her this thing that I can't even really grasp mentally, but I have embraced emotionally. That OWNING the bad feeling has made me better, healthier, and happier. That for the first time, a few years ago, I stopped hiding from all of the things that made me feel icky and started just putting it out there. When I screw up, I own it. When I'm unhappy with something, I say it. When I feel something, I make it known. I live a more authentic life because when something causes me pain, I completely possess it and that gives me the power to change it.
Sometimes, it doesn't turn out the way I hoped. There is one particular thing that has happened in my life where this authenticity backfired on me. I've lost someone that means a great deal to me. I was honest about how the choices they made impacted me. They thought I was being judgmental. I stand firm on the fact that I don't think that a decade of staying silent about the impact of their choices on my life is an indicator of being judgmental. I wanted my new found authenticity to be a jumping off point for a better and more honest relationship between us. They did not want the same. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Sometimes it hurts so much that I want to go back under the metaphorical blanket and hide from it. But, it took me 38 years to get here, and I can't go back now.
Here is the part that makes it difficult to teach me daughter about this stuff... that bad decisions have consequences. Because GOOD decisions have consequences too. And sometimes decisions have absolutely NOTHING to do with any of it. And sometimes you can actually do everything right. You can live in the truth, you can bask in the sunlight of being honest and authentic and you will still get burnt. Hurt is not completely avoidable. Life will happen and no amount of authenticity will stop it. And she will sit there one day, if she ever actually listens to me, and she will hurt in a way that is different than this hurt, because she's trying to do what her mommy told her. She's living an honest authentic life and life is still going to punch her in the gut sometimes.
The thing that it took me so long to figure out is that these two things are not mutually exclusive, and that it was consistent denial of an authentic life that was leading to a consistent unhappiness. I stayed under that metaphorical blanket so long that I was blinded by the mere hint of light. If I don't hide from the bad stuff, the bad stuff isn't as bad, and even when it is bad, because life happens anyway, I have so many great moments where I am free that it doesn't all seem like a horrible existence overall. Bad things become bad things and not an indicator of a bad life.
And that is why it took me so long to be happy.
Now, I have to figure out how to make my kid understand that. I'm no closer to answers, really. And while my current resolve is that maybe it's not a completely failure that my 9 year old hasn't learned what it took me 38 years to figure out, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. Because, after all, I would hate for her to miss out on that kind of happiness for the next 29 years.
So, I guess I have to show by example, and that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep notching away at this particular parenting problem. And- maybe someday- I'll accept that enough time has passed that she's below that 10-15% threshold of destruction. And- many years from now, she'll write a blog post about how she's finally got things figured out...
and I'll laugh and laugh and laugh ( just like my mother is likely doing right now!).
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Courageous Women
I have a few women in my life that this latest blog post is inspired by. Each of them with very different paths, very different lives and very different types of courage. A friend searching for a new career path that gives her the room to meet her children's needs and her own. A sister who is about to become a published author. Another friend who is in love, but struggles with her own sense of self-worth in the face of unrequited love. And myself, who is finding myself in a new space where I am taking on challenges I never thought I could or would and putting myself as a priority in that new space.
My personal life- guru, Dr. Brene Brown, talks about courage by explaining that it comes from the latin work cor - which means heart, and describes that courage is about telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. This idea resonates with me: that being authentic and being honest about who we are and what we want (and need) from life is more important than we allow it to be.
A few weeks ago, on a random Tuesday, I was feeling particularly great about myself. I was bopping around the house, listening to music and cleaning. I was feeling the impact of the changes I've made over the past couple of years and just had this 'Wow, I really am awesome' vibe. Suddenly, I thought about some of the people who have come and gone from my life over the years and how shitty they treated me at the time. For the first time ever, I felt kinda bad for them.
Please, don't get me wrong.. I'm not trying to be conceited or full of myself or vain. My thoughts were initially centered on those kinda 'if they could see me now' thought that run through our heads as things like 20 year high school reunions loom around the corner. And, like thoughts do, it just sorta meandered into the place where I thought about how I would act and what I would say. And it was then that I felt bad for them, because in my new-found confidence, I could see that they wouldn't really recognize me. And then, my thoughts turned instead to why I had never felt this way before. I have never felt bad for those people! In fact, my heart is still filled with love for them, and it's never occurred to me that they were missing out on something. In fact, it was quite the opposite. And suddenly I realize something about myself that I had never realized before.
(Ready... because this is a big one.)
I made it acceptable to treat me badly. In fact, I made it the standard.
Let me go back for a minute and explain by simplifying it. Let's say I had a crush on a guy. It would generally stay just that... a crush. A torch I would carry alone and silently. A one-sided love affair. Only in the light of my new-found self-esteem can I see why so many of my relationships-that-never-happened existed like this. I accepted some bullshit idea that I wasn't good enough to be loved back. What I put out there into the universe was that nobody should have the fortitude to have to deal with loving me, and that expecting them to love me would be a failure on two fronts: I would be be both unrealistic AND forcing someone I loved into a miserable life where they would have to tell the world that they picked me.
I told myself that NOBODY should have to live like that. I loved those people so much that I never expected them to love me back.
What is even crazier ( and again, I can only see this now) is that even after I found a man who loves me ( and married him!) I continued in this line of thinking. I spent years thinking that this man was a saint for loving me, or thinking that I had fooled him into thinking I was someone who was deserving of his love and that someday he would figure it out and move on to a more worthy woman.
This was not just in romantic relationships either. This existed in friendships and work relationships. Honestly, I treated people like being near me was a sacrifice, and I was just grateful for their ability to be seen with me.
So, back to the courage that I was talking about. In relaying this discover to my friend, we were talking about wants and needs, and how those lines can get blurred from time to time. We can tell ourselves that we don't "need" certain things, but many times, that is a mask that covers up the fact that our deepest wants are really a need that we deny ourselves.
I thought I wanted someone to love me. Really, I needed someone to love me. But, in that denial of my own story being told with my whole heart, I told myself that it wasn't a need. I was denying who I was and what I needed because I simply felt unworthy of having that need.
My sister's book, Queer Virtue, is about to be released. Her book is an examination of the parallels between being queer and Christianity. ( Shameless Plug, because she IS my sister! http://www.queervirtue.com/ ) In anticipation of the book, she is releasing a series on mini-sermons that touch on some of the subjects in her book. The first was released last night and is titled Identity. She talks about how people are called to be themselves within Christianity. She describes that this call to embrace ones identity is not just cornerstone of the LGBTQ community, but requirement of the faithful. Her two-minute video describes that these two things are not mutual exclusive, and they do not exist in the vacuum, and these are shared values between two communities that sometimes feel at odds with one another, but share this core value. I thought about my recent discovery of self-denial and how tied into my own lack of self-worth it was. These two things are absolutely the same thing. Identity is courage: Telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Regardless of someone's position on religion or faith, there is a truth that exists. The path to fulfillment lies in our ability to be exactly who we are, and let the world see that entirely.
Today, after several weeks of life getting in the way, I was about to make it to Meatball Thursday- a recent tradition with some friends of mine where we meet at Ikea for cheap Swedish meatballs and great conversation. One of my friends was discussing her job- mostly that it just was not working for her life and she is seeking a path toward something that works for her and for her kids. Inside that conversation, I mentioned that with her amazing history of homeschooling her two boys, maybe she could look at leading some home-school centered classes. In the middle of the conversation, she needed to run out to her car, and she came back with a brilliant idea that both suits her perfectly and fills a need that is under addressed. Really, her idea was perfect for her. I'm not sure if this is something she is going to pursue, but again, it made me think about courage.
So many times in our lives we are called to make choices that we simply shouldn't have to make. And so many times, we make choices based on that idea that wants and needs are mutually exclusive. Especially parents, who wear the title of sacrificial lamb as they tread water for years and years just hoping for the day when their sacrifice is recognized and rewarded. But, we also see the other side. We watch people who take the risk and make a life for themselves that encompasses their wants, and they seem like they have a more fulfilling life. We watch in envy and convince ourselves that, for whatever reason, that is not a life we can have. We deny ourselves of our needs, convincing ourselves they are wants, because we do not feel worthy.
If my friend pursues this idea, or something else that works for her life she will be doing something courageous. She will be telling the story of who she is with her whole heart. She will be setting out a path for herself that fulfills both wants and needs. Because sometimes they actually are the same thing.
Yesterday, I ran a mile. I don't run- or that was the story in my head. I wasn't graceful or cat-like. I was awkward in the way that a person who has never ran anywhere but to the store to buy ice cream would be. I was a lumbering size 16, fresh from losing 68 pounds. I've never ran that far in my life. Today, I felt it, and ran 1/2 a mile despite the pain from yesterdays run still fresh in my legs... and back... and hips... even my eyes hurt a little. Both of these days, I had moments of self-doubt and fear. Fear that people would judge me. Fear that I would hurt myself. Fear that my new found ability would turn on me in unexpected ways. But, with every step, I found a bit more assurance in what I was doing. I was writing a new story for myself. A story that I would tell with my whole heart. I stopped telling the story of the fat girl who doesn't run, because that is not the story I want... and it's not the story I need. There were moments where I stopped to catch a labored breath and I started going back to that same story: the one where I could be the fat girl who walked the rest of the way.
But, then, I would change the story, because in my heart, I want to be the girl who runs. I want to be the girl who told boys that I loved them without fear and without self-doubt. I want to be the person who says that my identity is who I am meant to be and to be anything other than that is a slight against the universe. I want to be the woman who strikes out on her own to make a career for herself by making my own rules.
I want to be the person who tells their story with their whole heart.
My personal life- guru, Dr. Brene Brown, talks about courage by explaining that it comes from the latin work cor - which means heart, and describes that courage is about telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. This idea resonates with me: that being authentic and being honest about who we are and what we want (and need) from life is more important than we allow it to be.
A few weeks ago, on a random Tuesday, I was feeling particularly great about myself. I was bopping around the house, listening to music and cleaning. I was feeling the impact of the changes I've made over the past couple of years and just had this 'Wow, I really am awesome' vibe. Suddenly, I thought about some of the people who have come and gone from my life over the years and how shitty they treated me at the time. For the first time ever, I felt kinda bad for them.
Please, don't get me wrong.. I'm not trying to be conceited or full of myself or vain. My thoughts were initially centered on those kinda 'if they could see me now' thought that run through our heads as things like 20 year high school reunions loom around the corner. And, like thoughts do, it just sorta meandered into the place where I thought about how I would act and what I would say. And it was then that I felt bad for them, because in my new-found confidence, I could see that they wouldn't really recognize me. And then, my thoughts turned instead to why I had never felt this way before. I have never felt bad for those people! In fact, my heart is still filled with love for them, and it's never occurred to me that they were missing out on something. In fact, it was quite the opposite. And suddenly I realize something about myself that I had never realized before.
(Ready... because this is a big one.)
I made it acceptable to treat me badly. In fact, I made it the standard.
Let me go back for a minute and explain by simplifying it. Let's say I had a crush on a guy. It would generally stay just that... a crush. A torch I would carry alone and silently. A one-sided love affair. Only in the light of my new-found self-esteem can I see why so many of my relationships-that-never-happened existed like this. I accepted some bullshit idea that I wasn't good enough to be loved back. What I put out there into the universe was that nobody should have the fortitude to have to deal with loving me, and that expecting them to love me would be a failure on two fronts: I would be be both unrealistic AND forcing someone I loved into a miserable life where they would have to tell the world that they picked me.
I told myself that NOBODY should have to live like that. I loved those people so much that I never expected them to love me back.
What is even crazier ( and again, I can only see this now) is that even after I found a man who loves me ( and married him!) I continued in this line of thinking. I spent years thinking that this man was a saint for loving me, or thinking that I had fooled him into thinking I was someone who was deserving of his love and that someday he would figure it out and move on to a more worthy woman.
This was not just in romantic relationships either. This existed in friendships and work relationships. Honestly, I treated people like being near me was a sacrifice, and I was just grateful for their ability to be seen with me.
So, back to the courage that I was talking about. In relaying this discover to my friend, we were talking about wants and needs, and how those lines can get blurred from time to time. We can tell ourselves that we don't "need" certain things, but many times, that is a mask that covers up the fact that our deepest wants are really a need that we deny ourselves.
I thought I wanted someone to love me. Really, I needed someone to love me. But, in that denial of my own story being told with my whole heart, I told myself that it wasn't a need. I was denying who I was and what I needed because I simply felt unworthy of having that need.
My sister's book, Queer Virtue, is about to be released. Her book is an examination of the parallels between being queer and Christianity. ( Shameless Plug, because she IS my sister! http://www.queervirtue.com/ ) In anticipation of the book, she is releasing a series on mini-sermons that touch on some of the subjects in her book. The first was released last night and is titled Identity. She talks about how people are called to be themselves within Christianity. She describes that this call to embrace ones identity is not just cornerstone of the LGBTQ community, but requirement of the faithful. Her two-minute video describes that these two things are not mutual exclusive, and they do not exist in the vacuum, and these are shared values between two communities that sometimes feel at odds with one another, but share this core value. I thought about my recent discovery of self-denial and how tied into my own lack of self-worth it was. These two things are absolutely the same thing. Identity is courage: Telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Regardless of someone's position on religion or faith, there is a truth that exists. The path to fulfillment lies in our ability to be exactly who we are, and let the world see that entirely.
Today, after several weeks of life getting in the way, I was about to make it to Meatball Thursday- a recent tradition with some friends of mine where we meet at Ikea for cheap Swedish meatballs and great conversation. One of my friends was discussing her job- mostly that it just was not working for her life and she is seeking a path toward something that works for her and for her kids. Inside that conversation, I mentioned that with her amazing history of homeschooling her two boys, maybe she could look at leading some home-school centered classes. In the middle of the conversation, she needed to run out to her car, and she came back with a brilliant idea that both suits her perfectly and fills a need that is under addressed. Really, her idea was perfect for her. I'm not sure if this is something she is going to pursue, but again, it made me think about courage.
So many times in our lives we are called to make choices that we simply shouldn't have to make. And so many times, we make choices based on that idea that wants and needs are mutually exclusive. Especially parents, who wear the title of sacrificial lamb as they tread water for years and years just hoping for the day when their sacrifice is recognized and rewarded. But, we also see the other side. We watch people who take the risk and make a life for themselves that encompasses their wants, and they seem like they have a more fulfilling life. We watch in envy and convince ourselves that, for whatever reason, that is not a life we can have. We deny ourselves of our needs, convincing ourselves they are wants, because we do not feel worthy.
If my friend pursues this idea, or something else that works for her life she will be doing something courageous. She will be telling the story of who she is with her whole heart. She will be setting out a path for herself that fulfills both wants and needs. Because sometimes they actually are the same thing.
Yesterday, I ran a mile. I don't run- or that was the story in my head. I wasn't graceful or cat-like. I was awkward in the way that a person who has never ran anywhere but to the store to buy ice cream would be. I was a lumbering size 16, fresh from losing 68 pounds. I've never ran that far in my life. Today, I felt it, and ran 1/2 a mile despite the pain from yesterdays run still fresh in my legs... and back... and hips... even my eyes hurt a little. Both of these days, I had moments of self-doubt and fear. Fear that people would judge me. Fear that I would hurt myself. Fear that my new found ability would turn on me in unexpected ways. But, with every step, I found a bit more assurance in what I was doing. I was writing a new story for myself. A story that I would tell with my whole heart. I stopped telling the story of the fat girl who doesn't run, because that is not the story I want... and it's not the story I need. There were moments where I stopped to catch a labored breath and I started going back to that same story: the one where I could be the fat girl who walked the rest of the way.
But, then, I would change the story, because in my heart, I want to be the girl who runs. I want to be the girl who told boys that I loved them without fear and without self-doubt. I want to be the person who says that my identity is who I am meant to be and to be anything other than that is a slight against the universe. I want to be the woman who strikes out on her own to make a career for herself by making my own rules.
I want to be the person who tells their story with their whole heart.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
My (completely biased but un-paid-for) review of Genepro Protein
I was Sleeved on Dec. 1st, and to date I am doing fantastic... 66 pounds down... full of energy... feeling great! I credit the trifecta of WLS: Water, Walking, Protein...
Protein. Protein haunted my dreams for months. I looked at the prospect of protein shakes with the apprehension of a nearing apocalypse. So, I went in search of protein that I could handle. I would love to tell you I tried them all, but I didn't. But I tried a lot.
I tried:
Premier Protein
Isopure
Syntrax Nectar
YEAH!
Muscle Milk
Isogenix
GNC Lean
Protein2o
Unjury
Plus about 5 others that I was given samples of by other people that I can't recall the names of.
Excuse the language, but protein powders are like assholes... everyone's got one and they swear theirs isn't gross.
For me, protein became a mission.
My FIRST moment of enlightenment with protein came in the form of my Unjury sample pack. Contained within my samples was "unflavored", and I honestly thought to myself " Great- can't even be covered by chocolate!", but I tried it with some coffee and it was.... tolerable. Also, it wasn't that terrible bitter-sweet flavor that other proteins had. EUREKA! Maybe it wasn't the protein I hated... maybe it was the FLAVORING!
But, there was still a problem. There was a LOT of powder to get in, and moving forward I knew that I would only be able to get down a little at a time. Looking into the future, I saw it taking me and hour or two to get this stuff down.
By the way, my foresight on this was smart, but I couldn't even begin to understand how little I would be able to consume after surgery. Please, if you are considering Gastric Sleeve, go and put 4 ounces of a thick liquid in a cup and take a really good hard long look at it, realizing it can take you at least 30 minutes to get that down. If the shake you get ends up being 8 ounces or more, you are going to have a bad time.
So, I went searching for something concentrated.
That is when I found Genepro. I random search of a Bariatric Weight Loss board and I saw rave reviews. 30 gr. of protein in a tablespoon- I was intrigued!
I went off to do my research, and I found exactly the kind of skepticism that I needed to make an informed decision. There were people who were doubting the claims... as well they should! Even a base understanding of physics can make you understand that it's not possible to get 30 gr. of protein in a 15 gr. serving.... right!?!
I don't buy snake oil, and I looked at their own claims with a grain of salt. So, while I waited for their samples to arrive by mail ( Yes- they have samples for $4.50- try before you buy! http://shopmusclegen.com/genepro-sample ), I went to search out each and every claim they made, and here is what I found:
* Note- I'm not a scientist, but what I found is the findings from several sources, including my own Nutritionist.
When we ingest protein, we don't absorb it all. Generally, we only absorb about 30% of it. When your nutritionist tells you that you need to be getting in 60 gr. of protein, that 60 gr. is with the end goal of your body actually absorbing 18gr. ( or 30% of 60).
The KEY to all of this is the idea of NUTRITIONAL EQUIVALENT.
Now, what if there was a protein that you could absorb more than 30% of? That is EXACTLY what Genepro is. It's broken down, and their studies and the independent research is showing that the human body absorbs more like 90% of Genepro's broken down protein.
So, back to the math. If what a human body needs to absorb is 18gr. of protein, and the body absorbs 90% of Genepro, then you actually only need 20 gr. of Genepro to get the same amount of protein as 60gr. of any other protein source.
Now, maybe you can understand how they get 30 gr. of nutritionally equivalent protein into a 15 gr. serving.... because it's ACTUALLY 10 gr. of protein that you absorb 90% of, instead of 30 gr. of protein that you only absorb 30% of. Got it?
So... on to the nitty gritty ( or not so gritty... yeah!!!)
Does it taste horrible?
Well, no... but I won't lie... it doesn't taste like nothing. There are some people who think that flavorless is the same as tasteless.. it's not. There is a taste.. to me. There are some people who say it has no taste, and I don't think that is true. BUT, it's better than... well... everything other thing I've tried. And because it's only a tablespoon, you can get it out of the way fast... and I'm totally a "get it out of the way" kinda girl!
I have two ways I take my Genepro. At first, I did little "shots" of it. I got a shot-glass size cup, put in my Genepro, filled it with water, and a very quick squeeze of a Crystal Lite Squeezable product ( Okay- it's time to fess up.. it was sugar free Tang... because I'm like a 9 year old!!!). At first, I was getting some chunks, and I just pushed my way through it. Then, I did a little reading and a little experimentin' , and I figured out the best thing to do.
First of all, it tastes better cold... but it dissolves better in warm ( NOT HOT) liquid. Next, I found out you need to add Genepro TO liquid, not liquid TO Genepro. Solution? I mixed it with warm tap water, added the Genepro to the liquid ( not the other way around), added the squeeze, stirred with a fork ( a fork works best). Then, I add ONE ice cube and let it melt for a few minutes. Now, I have a perfect shot... dissolved... cold...and I can get it down in two quick swallows. THIRTY GRAMS OF PROTEIN DONE IN SECONDS!
Once I was through my first month post-op, I abandoned one of the rules, and went back to my beloved coffee, and this is where my Genepro truly shines! Every morning, I have the same routine. With my Keurig, I make a 10 oz. cup of strong coffee. I have two cups... one small and one large. I put the small cup in first and let it brew the first ounce to ounce and a half. Then, I swap out the cup quickly and put under the large cup that I will sip on for the next hour or so ( because it takes me that long to drink a cup of coffee). I put in my splenda and fat free cream in both cups, and my one tablespoon of Genepro into the smaller cup, and wisk it around with a fork. It's important here that the coffee not be really really hot, or the Genepro will curdle a bit, so adding creamer first gets it to the temperature where Genepro dissolves well. If you don't use cream, I recommend a little bit of cold water.
Again, I'm sensitive to the slight flavor, so I don't want it in my full cup and would rather just get it out of the way. I get in that small cup just standing in the kitchen. Again- my 30 grams of protein- DONE!
I can't say enough great things about this product. I know that looking at a 90 day jar at it's $100+ pricetag seems like a lot, but that's only about $1 per serving, which is really very reasonable. I have had my 3 month post op bloodwork and it has come back perfect in every way.
If you have struggle with finding a protein supplement that doesn't make you hate the world, please please please try this product. I promise you that you will not regret it!
Protein. Protein haunted my dreams for months. I looked at the prospect of protein shakes with the apprehension of a nearing apocalypse. So, I went in search of protein that I could handle. I would love to tell you I tried them all, but I didn't. But I tried a lot.
I tried:
Premier Protein
Isopure
Syntrax Nectar
YEAH!
Muscle Milk
Isogenix
GNC Lean
Protein2o
Unjury
Plus about 5 others that I was given samples of by other people that I can't recall the names of.
Excuse the language, but protein powders are like assholes... everyone's got one and they swear theirs isn't gross.
For me, protein became a mission.
My FIRST moment of enlightenment with protein came in the form of my Unjury sample pack. Contained within my samples was "unflavored", and I honestly thought to myself " Great- can't even be covered by chocolate!", but I tried it with some coffee and it was.... tolerable. Also, it wasn't that terrible bitter-sweet flavor that other proteins had. EUREKA! Maybe it wasn't the protein I hated... maybe it was the FLAVORING!
But, there was still a problem. There was a LOT of powder to get in, and moving forward I knew that I would only be able to get down a little at a time. Looking into the future, I saw it taking me and hour or two to get this stuff down.
By the way, my foresight on this was smart, but I couldn't even begin to understand how little I would be able to consume after surgery. Please, if you are considering Gastric Sleeve, go and put 4 ounces of a thick liquid in a cup and take a really good hard long look at it, realizing it can take you at least 30 minutes to get that down. If the shake you get ends up being 8 ounces or more, you are going to have a bad time.
So, I went searching for something concentrated.
That is when I found Genepro. I random search of a Bariatric Weight Loss board and I saw rave reviews. 30 gr. of protein in a tablespoon- I was intrigued!
I went off to do my research, and I found exactly the kind of skepticism that I needed to make an informed decision. There were people who were doubting the claims... as well they should! Even a base understanding of physics can make you understand that it's not possible to get 30 gr. of protein in a 15 gr. serving.... right!?!
I don't buy snake oil, and I looked at their own claims with a grain of salt. So, while I waited for their samples to arrive by mail ( Yes- they have samples for $4.50- try before you buy! http://shopmusclegen.com/genepro-sample ), I went to search out each and every claim they made, and here is what I found:
* Note- I'm not a scientist, but what I found is the findings from several sources, including my own Nutritionist.
When we ingest protein, we don't absorb it all. Generally, we only absorb about 30% of it. When your nutritionist tells you that you need to be getting in 60 gr. of protein, that 60 gr. is with the end goal of your body actually absorbing 18gr. ( or 30% of 60).
The KEY to all of this is the idea of NUTRITIONAL EQUIVALENT.
Now, what if there was a protein that you could absorb more than 30% of? That is EXACTLY what Genepro is. It's broken down, and their studies and the independent research is showing that the human body absorbs more like 90% of Genepro's broken down protein.
So, back to the math. If what a human body needs to absorb is 18gr. of protein, and the body absorbs 90% of Genepro, then you actually only need 20 gr. of Genepro to get the same amount of protein as 60gr. of any other protein source.
Now, maybe you can understand how they get 30 gr. of nutritionally equivalent protein into a 15 gr. serving.... because it's ACTUALLY 10 gr. of protein that you absorb 90% of, instead of 30 gr. of protein that you only absorb 30% of. Got it?
So... on to the nitty gritty ( or not so gritty... yeah!!!)
Does it taste horrible?
Well, no... but I won't lie... it doesn't taste like nothing. There are some people who think that flavorless is the same as tasteless.. it's not. There is a taste.. to me. There are some people who say it has no taste, and I don't think that is true. BUT, it's better than... well... everything other thing I've tried. And because it's only a tablespoon, you can get it out of the way fast... and I'm totally a "get it out of the way" kinda girl!
I have two ways I take my Genepro. At first, I did little "shots" of it. I got a shot-glass size cup, put in my Genepro, filled it with water, and a very quick squeeze of a Crystal Lite Squeezable product ( Okay- it's time to fess up.. it was sugar free Tang... because I'm like a 9 year old!!!). At first, I was getting some chunks, and I just pushed my way through it. Then, I did a little reading and a little experimentin' , and I figured out the best thing to do.
First of all, it tastes better cold... but it dissolves better in warm ( NOT HOT) liquid. Next, I found out you need to add Genepro TO liquid, not liquid TO Genepro. Solution? I mixed it with warm tap water, added the Genepro to the liquid ( not the other way around), added the squeeze, stirred with a fork ( a fork works best). Then, I add ONE ice cube and let it melt for a few minutes. Now, I have a perfect shot... dissolved... cold...and I can get it down in two quick swallows. THIRTY GRAMS OF PROTEIN DONE IN SECONDS!
Once I was through my first month post-op, I abandoned one of the rules, and went back to my beloved coffee, and this is where my Genepro truly shines! Every morning, I have the same routine. With my Keurig, I make a 10 oz. cup of strong coffee. I have two cups... one small and one large. I put the small cup in first and let it brew the first ounce to ounce and a half. Then, I swap out the cup quickly and put under the large cup that I will sip on for the next hour or so ( because it takes me that long to drink a cup of coffee). I put in my splenda and fat free cream in both cups, and my one tablespoon of Genepro into the smaller cup, and wisk it around with a fork. It's important here that the coffee not be really really hot, or the Genepro will curdle a bit, so adding creamer first gets it to the temperature where Genepro dissolves well. If you don't use cream, I recommend a little bit of cold water.
Again, I'm sensitive to the slight flavor, so I don't want it in my full cup and would rather just get it out of the way. I get in that small cup just standing in the kitchen. Again- my 30 grams of protein- DONE!
I can't say enough great things about this product. I know that looking at a 90 day jar at it's $100+ pricetag seems like a lot, but that's only about $1 per serving, which is really very reasonable. I have had my 3 month post op bloodwork and it has come back perfect in every way.
If you have struggle with finding a protein supplement that doesn't make you hate the world, please please please try this product. I promise you that you will not regret it!
Sunday, April 3, 2016
Twenty Truths About Weight Loss Surgery
I've made no secret that I had Weight Loss Surgery in December of 2015. To date, four months and one day later, I have lost 65 pounds. The how I feel, how I look and how I approach life has completely changed.
As I walk this path, I can start to see certain truths in a way that I never saw before. So, here is my list of 20 truths behind Weight Loss Surgery.
I don't know where this idea came from, but it's a pervasive one. Interestingly, I don't think I've actually heard a skinny person ever say this, and I've only ever heard the "Easy Way Out" commment from people who struggle with weight. I could go on and on about how this is tied to some idea that fat people should have to face some sort of punishment for their weight, and what this says about our culture... but that's a blog post for another day.
Instead, I will simply set forth an "easy" 45 day challenge to anyone who has the idea that WLS is an easy way out:
So, this is a tough one. People who are close to you sometimes might not react as positively. These reasons can vary, but here are a few examples of how WLS can be hard on loved ones.
First of all, let's talk about how little we actually need to survive. It was SHOCKING to me that I could get by and feel great on so little food. I would look at my My Fitness Pal, have 300-400 calories on my all liquid phase, and feel like a rock star. I kept waiting for that feeling to end. I waited for the fatigue and horrible exhaustion that I thought would come with taking in so few calories.. That time never came. I have not been able to consume more than 1,000 calories in a day in four months, and I still feel fantastic. I think back now at times where I thought I had low blood sugar, or thought I was cranky because I hadn't eaten, and I realize now how much of that stuff is not an actual physical reaction. Now, please do not get me wrong: I am NOT saying "it's on our heads", because biological responses to emotional stimuli is just as real as physical reaction. But, I am saying that the idea that we needed to consume so many calories just to get through the day is not that our bodies need that much.
Next, lets talk about what it's like for WLSers to watch "normal" people eat. Again, I don't want to be that person- but now, with my tiny meals ( 4-5 ounces of anything at a time), I am completely shocked at how much people can really put into their stomachs. I will go to lunch with a friend and I get a water ( honestly, it's just to because they look at you sideways if you don't get a drink. Remember, I can't drink anything with my meals for 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after). They get a sweet tea or a soda, easily 20 ounces of liquid, and they can polish it off in a matter of minutes... and I'm slightly taken aback by it. Now, please understand, I DID THE SAME THING! I could finish off glass of coke and need a refill before the order was even taken at a restaurant. Now... well, now if I could have soda ( which I can't), that same glass of soda would take me an hour to finish. I love my husband dearly, but have sat there, somewhat shocked to watch him eat a sandwich seemingly without ever actually chewing it! Not only can I not eat that much, but each and every bite has become very purposeful, because if it's not chewed well, it doesn't sit well. I begin to think to myself that I didn't really even appreciate food when I had a full sized stomach, because I barely took the prime opportunity that most people enjoy about eating- tasting my food!
Also, the sizes of portions are now shocking to me. I ordered a "Petite Wedge Salad" at a California Pizza Kitchen that was ( I kid you not) on the "Small Plates" part of the menu. I actually questioned the waitress if she gave me the right one. This thing was easily a quarter of a head of lettuce, and I could only eat about 1/8th of it. I consider myself very fortunate to say that I don't understand how I ever consumed that much food, and never even took the time to enjoy it.
The best part is how cheap it is to take me out for a meal. I try to get kids meals when I'm out.. and when I do I only eat maybe 1/3 of it. If there isn't a healthy kids meal option that I can have, I'll go for a soup or an appetizer. A meal at a restaurant hasn't cost more than $5 in months.
I can only eat 1/2 a banana. 1/2 an apple. Things that spoil quickly are so wasted on me! And learning how to recook an appropriate amount of food is really really hard. I am constantly asked in restaurants if my food is okay, simply because I can't eat very much of it. This is a lesson a learned early: If you are a person who had WLS but you like going out to restaurants, ask for a to go box right away. I put away the food I know I won't be able to eat right off the bat. It saves me from having to explain to the server staff, and keeps me from the regrettable moment featured in truth #15.
When I had a normal stomach, one more bite was always possible. Even when I said I couldn't eat another bite, I really could and it wouldn't hurt me. Now, that is not the case at all. There is literally a bite that if I put it in my mouth and swallow it, I will go from being happy and satisfied to needing to lay down because I feel horrible. Just one bite... and even a small bite at that. I have even put bites in my mouth and realized what I've done and had to spit it out into a napkin. Learning that line is hard, but here is something even harder: Learning that you have to leave that food on the plate.
I cannot tell you what conditioned me to believe that a bite on a plate is made to be put into my mouth, but it happens to me all the time. I won't need to eat it, or even want to eat it.. but there is some strange drive in me to put that food into my body. It is a very powerful drive. My solution is out of sight out of mind, and I either tuck it into the to-go box or physically make the plate go away. This is something that causes mental somersaults, because you can KNOW you shouldn't have it, but resisting it is very much a mind-over-matter thing.
So,, I've lost all this weight... 65 pounds. And, I'm only down 4 pants sizes. Everything in me says that I'm failing, because I feel like I should be smaller... and I am smaller... everywhere but my belly. All of my clothes are way too big everywhere... except my belly. I should be down another 2 sizes if I was going by how baggy my pants are around my legs and butt, but that "stubborn" belly fat ( that's a thing, ya know... they actually refer to belly fat as stubborn!) just will not go down. So, none of my clothes fit properly. It's super annoying!
You can look at quick weight loss like concentric circles. You will lose from the outside first... face, fingers, hands, feet, arms, legs, neck. Extremities will lose first, and that bitchy stubborn friend from Truth #16 will go slower. But, that loss in your face makes a shocking difference in how you look. People will tell you over and over and over again that they can see it mostly in your face... and it's the truth.
For most people, having WLS is officially "elective" surgery. We don't have to have it. It's not technically required to save our lives ( although it does!). There is something about that kind of surgery that makes going under the knife scarier. I've had several surgeries, and none of them scared me like this one did. Perhaps it's the amount of buildup to it. For me, it was 6 months from first PCP referral to the operating table.. and that entire 6 months was about prepping for this change. I became obsessed with finding the best protein supplement for me, practicing getting in enough water, and doing so much internet research I could tell you anything about WLS. Going through all the requirements was torture, and insurance approval was torture ( I was denied the first time because of a mistake on my birthday on one piece of paper, delaying my surgery an extra month). Getting my date was a moment of glee. I finally new my timeline, and could prepare for my new life ( and say goodbye to my old one).
Two week pre-op all liquid is almost universally agreed to be the worst part of the whole thing. You have your complete stomach and you can only have liquids for 14 days. It really is just horrible! But, all of this is a part of the process, and it's important to know that those days will become really important to you in the days just after your surgery. Those days of feeling like you are going to die without food, in contrast to those days where you know you cannot eat anything ( and honestly, you don't want to) helps you to understand how much of our desire for food is head hunger. Those days help us realize the difference. I think that two-week pre-op was actually the most crucial part of my whole journey. It tested both my resolve and pushed me toward making sure I didn't waste the thing that we find with truth #19.
This is the thing that WLSers say all the time. "It's a tool... not a magic wand". Now, a tool can be used perfectly for days and days and days, and then be used improperly and ruin everything.
Remember, oh-so-many-pages ago, when I talked about it wasn't easy? Well, I have to stay vigilant on what I can and cannot have. I will lose weight no matter what in this first year. But, there are ways to fail. There are people who don't stick to the "rules". They aren't working out. They aren't getting their protein or water. They are drinking and eating things they shouldn't be. They are wasting their tool.
The truth is that by this time next year, I will be back to eating 1200 calories a day. Still much less than I was before... but I'll also be smaller and will be burning less calories by just existing everyday. Of course, my metabolism will be higher too. But, if I go back to eating like I was, I will likely go right back to where I was before.
Someone I know who had Gastric Sleeve said to me something wise: "Take advantage of those first 6 months, because you will never get that opportunity back". I'm trying hard to do just that... take advantage of this peak time of loss and get as physically fit as possible to make sure that a year from now, staying physically fit is easier.
So much of WLS is an emotional process. You have no idea what it will do to you until it does. For me, WLS made me a much happier and less stressed out person. Seriously, my husband is shocked at how my whole personality has lightened after WLS. I'm more positive, happier and let the stresses of life slide off my back much easier than I did before. I have read about people who get depressed in the month after WLS. This is not my experience, but I can tell you that I have seen several people who struggled with depression before WLS who seem to revisit depression after WLS.
All of that said, here is the point. Changing your body is one thing, but this is also changing who you are. You have to change and challenge yourself to find success, and you have to change to deal with how others see you after WLS.
As I walk this path, I can start to see certain truths in a way that I never saw before. So, here is my list of 20 truths behind Weight Loss Surgery.
1. It's NOT the easy way out....
I don't know where this idea came from, but it's a pervasive one. Interestingly, I don't think I've actually heard a skinny person ever say this, and I've only ever heard the "Easy Way Out" commment from people who struggle with weight. I could go on and on about how this is tied to some idea that fat people should have to face some sort of punishment for their weight, and what this says about our culture... but that's a blog post for another day.
Instead, I will simply set forth an "easy" 45 day challenge to anyone who has the idea that WLS is an easy way out:
- We'll start you off with an all liquid diet for one month. This would be your two-week pre-op diet and two-week post op liquid diet. While we quickly learn that every surgeons approach is different and some are more lenient than others in the pre-op requirements, but this is the industry standard. By the way, all of that liquid has to be low fat, low carb,caffeine free, non-carbonated, low calorie and high protein,
- In the middle of your month, you need to go and have major surgery that removes 85% of an organ of your body. If you can't make that happen, try having a friend punch you repeatedly in the stomach for a similar effect. Immediately after this, you are expected to get up and start walking... and don't stop. Ever.
- Also, while you are at it, for the second two weeks ( representing post-op) you can only take in about 1-2 ounces of any liquid in any given 30 minute period. And, you can't use a straw. And you have to get at least 64 ounces of water in a day... but not 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after taking in any of the liquid you ingested that contains protein. Seriously. Try it!
- After your one month all liquid, you may now have soft foods. Only soft foods. Still low carb, low fat, no caffeine, low calorie and high protein. At this point, you will be eating about 600 calories a day. Also, every bite you take in needs to be chewed into a liquid.. about 40-60 chews per bite. Oh, and you should call that friend to come and punch you in the gut every time you eat anything, because that's what it feels like.
- Easy, right?
If someone can tell me what part of this challenge is easy, I'm all ears.
2. .... but it is easier.
Okay... I know what I just said.. it's not the easy way out. But that doesn't mean it's not easier. How can these two things co-exist? Well, there are a few ways. First of all, after the difficult pre and post-op all liquid period, you lose weight... fast. I lost the first 35 lbs in that month. That's a three-to-five year old child that I took off my back. Anyone who carried around something that size for years and got it off their back that quickly is going to be able to move easier, because they have the muscle memory to work harder on moving, and working out becomes much much easier. Also, the fact that you simply cannot physically eat as much will make you almost automatically calorie deficient on any given day. Even now, I can eat a MAX of 1000 calories a day, but I burn 1500 just existing, even if I don't get my consistantly-shrinking-ass off the sofa.
Additionally, my new tiny tummy comes with a Pavlovian response that has quickly conditioned me. There are things I cannot eat because they make me feel terrible. Like," I have to lay down and I feel sick for a few hours" terrible. Fortunately, many of these things are bad for me anyway: Sugar. High fat. Carbonated drinks. It's easier because my sleeve is that friend who punches me in the gut every time I eat something I shouldn't.
Also, and this is controversial, but there are hormonal changes that happen. Not every doctor agrees, but basically there is a hormone that is released by the stomach that tells our brains we are hungry. If you have Gastric Sleeve and have 85% of your stomach removed, you also remove 85% of that hormone production organ. Simply put, I never get physically hungry.
So, to pretend that this method isn't easier would be a lie. A person who doesn't get physically hungry and even when they do they can't eat more than a few ounces and working out is easier because they are pretty buff from all that weight they just shed quickly.. the "easier" factor is at play. And here is the plain old-fashion truth: Nobody would be able to do this without Weight Loss Surgery, because it would be torture. That is what makes it easier, but not easy.
3. You lose weight really really fast...
Especially at the beginning. So fast it makes your head spin. There were days in those first couple of weeks where I would lose 2 pounds in a day, and another 2 the next day. It was shocking.. and addictive.
4. .... and yet it's not fast enough.
It doesn't matter how much progress you have made. After such extreme losses in those first few weeks, you suddenly become disappointed at what would be, by any other standard, an amazing success. A two pound loss in a week is perfect in the "normal" world. but in WLS world, that feels like a miserable failure compared to those weeks where you lost 10 pounds. I have joined dozens of Weight Loss Surgery forum boards and social media groups, and on a daily basis I see the posts. " I'm 30 days out and I've only lost 25 pounds". It just really messes with our sense of "normal".
5. Stalls are torture... and universal
Most Weight Loss Surgery people spend months ( or years) preparing for their surgery, and we watch and people talk about their "stalls" in weight loss, and it doesn't matter that we tell ourselves to expect it... we are still CRUSHED by it. The first time has been dubbed "The Dreaded Three Week Stall" by WLSers. It happens to everyone, and it sucks! Especially since this is the time that we generally start eating something that doesn't require a spoon. It becomes really easy to tie these two things together ( although they aren't linked). Weight loss stops for a week or two and we feel like crap about it. There is no emotional preparation you can do. You will question what you've done and you will feel like you are doing something wrong. And you will be doing everything right! This will continue for your entire journey. You will stall for weeks... not a pound of loss for days and days and days. Then, suddenly, one day, you step on a scale and you've lost 4 pounds in 24 hours. You will do everything in your power to figure out what you did "right" in the past 24 hours. You will try to replicate it and it won't work.
There is no way to avoid stalls and no way to stop yourself from feeling bad about them.
6. You won't see your progress....
People will start to tell you how you are getting smaller, but you will not see it. Even the pictures you take won't really feel like the progress you are seeing on the scale, in your clothes and in the looks on people's faces. You will still be fat in your head... maybe forever.
7. ... except in certain places.
Then, suddenly, one day you realize a difference somewhere in your body. Most of these are NSVs- Non-Scale-Victories. Big ones, like suddenly you can cross your legs like a girl. Or you realize there are inches between you and the side of your bathtub. Or you realize you can feel your clavicle bone. Or you realize you actually have to struggle to give yourself a double chin. Or you realize that walking is really really easy! These are amazing moments that we live for!
8. People treat you better....
Seriously. I know that people don't mean to do this, but thinner people are treated better in general. Suddenly, you realize that people respond more positively to you. People smile at you more. Men open doors for you. In fact, once you become aware that you are being treated better by others, it becomes disarming. For a brief period of time, I thought maybe it was just me. Maybe it was my new positive outlook on life, or my new found confidence? But, after reading many many posts my many other WLSers, I can tell you 100% that obese people are just not treated as well by the general public.
Also, you will get praise from a lot of people, and dealing with that praise can be it's own challenge. I personally found it difficult to take compliments after years of being prepared with self-depreciating whit to protect my thin-skinned fat girl. It is difficult to be a person who has been conditioned to try to hide yourself, only to end up being the focus of people's attention. When that happens, you realize that this is much more complicated than just losing weight, and that you need to change your brain and spirit to match your new smaller body.
9. ... except for those who don't.
So, this is a tough one. People who are close to you sometimes might not react as positively. These reasons can vary, but here are a few examples of how WLS can be hard on loved ones.
- We feel good about ourselves- either for the first time in a long time or the first time in forever. Simply put, feeling good will change us into people who our loved ones simply don't recognize. I had someone in my life make repeated comments to me about my new found love of makeup after losing my first 40 pounds. It was hurtful because their comments to me were along the lines that I was being vain. I've never been accused of being vain in my whole life! It hurt that I was finally feeling good enough about myself to want to look nice, only to feel like I was being bashed for it. Now, that person didn't mean to hurt me, but it did.
- There will be people who will not know how to handle a person who felt bad about themselves all the time, and now doesn't. People with low self-esteem need to be handled much differently than people with confidence... and the people who love us don't always know how to approach us now.
- One friend, in an honest moment, told me something profound. She said that she could see herself saying something that might hurt me, not because she wanted to hurt me or because she would begrudging of my successes, but because my successes highlighted that she's not having the same kinds of success. This isn't the same a jealousy... it is just a bit of a sting for her. I love this friend for telling me this- it was a brutally honest thing for her to say. I felt bad- I don't want this to make my friend hurt. But, we all know that watching someone else succeed at something feels like it's pointing a giant flashing neon signs at our own failures.
- Some people will watch you like a hawk and question everything you do. They will ask you if you are allowed to eat this or that, or tell you it's not 'healthy" to only eat 600-900 calories a day. They will question you all the time to make sure you are holding up your end. It stings a bit to feel like you can't be trusted to take on this challenge on your own. Of course, this is also the same mentality that assumes that all obese people just lack will-power, which simply isn't always the truth.
So, amazingly, you can be treated better by strangers, and very differently by loved ones. Deep, right?
10. Droopy Drawers
So, after that last serious topic, we need something a bit more lighthearted. My underwear never fits. I buy smaller panties and they are falling off me a week or two later. This is a problem I feel like I just cannot get ahead of. Your underwear falling off is not a good feeling- or a good look! If you suspect a neighbor or a co-worker of having Weight Loss Surgery, there is one way to know for sure: They will be the ones who are reaching into their pants to pull up their underwear every 4 minutes.
11. You don't want to be "That Person"
The one who tells everyone how awesome WLS is. You try really hard to not get all braggy on the subject. You try really hard to not have it be the topic of conversation.. but it always seems to come back to your surgery.
Perfect example. I love to go to restaurants. Of course, now, my choices are limited and I have leftovers that will feed me for days. But, I still want to go out with my husband and friends. Every time I try to go anywhere, the other person will say " Oh, no- where can you go, since I know you can't eat just anything". Honestly, I can figure out something to eat at pretty much every place, and if I can't, it's totally okay because I'm likely not physically hungry anyway!
Additionally, my surgery will come up as a matter of course of people talking about my weight loss. I had a woman come up to me... a woman I don't know very well., but is, honestly, larger and would likely benefit from WLS.. and say in the most polite way " I hope I'm not offending you, but is your butt getting smaller?". She didn't know about my surgery, and I told her flat out how what I had done and how well it's worked. I tried to not flat out say " You should do this", because that would be both rude and presumptuous, but I basically said to her that it was the best thing I've ever done. Now, if someone flat out asks me about it because they want to get it, I will go on and on and on... just like the people I know who had WLS did when I was getting ready for my surgery.
Like becoming a parent, I am enjoying the process, but looking forward to that time where this new and different phase fades and I can return to being a normal person again. So, I don't want to be that person whose life is all about her surgery, but it's difficult to avoid, and it's not always my fault.
12. Our perception of food consumption is, like, way f*@&ed up!
First of all, let's talk about how little we actually need to survive. It was SHOCKING to me that I could get by and feel great on so little food. I would look at my My Fitness Pal, have 300-400 calories on my all liquid phase, and feel like a rock star. I kept waiting for that feeling to end. I waited for the fatigue and horrible exhaustion that I thought would come with taking in so few calories.. That time never came. I have not been able to consume more than 1,000 calories in a day in four months, and I still feel fantastic. I think back now at times where I thought I had low blood sugar, or thought I was cranky because I hadn't eaten, and I realize now how much of that stuff is not an actual physical reaction. Now, please do not get me wrong: I am NOT saying "it's on our heads", because biological responses to emotional stimuli is just as real as physical reaction. But, I am saying that the idea that we needed to consume so many calories just to get through the day is not that our bodies need that much.
Next, lets talk about what it's like for WLSers to watch "normal" people eat. Again, I don't want to be that person- but now, with my tiny meals ( 4-5 ounces of anything at a time), I am completely shocked at how much people can really put into their stomachs. I will go to lunch with a friend and I get a water ( honestly, it's just to because they look at you sideways if you don't get a drink. Remember, I can't drink anything with my meals for 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after). They get a sweet tea or a soda, easily 20 ounces of liquid, and they can polish it off in a matter of minutes... and I'm slightly taken aback by it. Now, please understand, I DID THE SAME THING! I could finish off glass of coke and need a refill before the order was even taken at a restaurant. Now... well, now if I could have soda ( which I can't), that same glass of soda would take me an hour to finish. I love my husband dearly, but have sat there, somewhat shocked to watch him eat a sandwich seemingly without ever actually chewing it! Not only can I not eat that much, but each and every bite has become very purposeful, because if it's not chewed well, it doesn't sit well. I begin to think to myself that I didn't really even appreciate food when I had a full sized stomach, because I barely took the prime opportunity that most people enjoy about eating- tasting my food!
Also, the sizes of portions are now shocking to me. I ordered a "Petite Wedge Salad" at a California Pizza Kitchen that was ( I kid you not) on the "Small Plates" part of the menu. I actually questioned the waitress if she gave me the right one. This thing was easily a quarter of a head of lettuce, and I could only eat about 1/8th of it. I consider myself very fortunate to say that I don't understand how I ever consumed that much food, and never even took the time to enjoy it.
13. We are cheap dates....
The best part is how cheap it is to take me out for a meal. I try to get kids meals when I'm out.. and when I do I only eat maybe 1/3 of it. If there isn't a healthy kids meal option that I can have, I'll go for a soup or an appetizer. A meal at a restaurant hasn't cost more than $5 in months.
14. ... who waste food all the time
I can only eat 1/2 a banana. 1/2 an apple. Things that spoil quickly are so wasted on me! And learning how to recook an appropriate amount of food is really really hard. I am constantly asked in restaurants if my food is okay, simply because I can't eat very much of it. This is a lesson a learned early: If you are a person who had WLS but you like going out to restaurants, ask for a to go box right away. I put away the food I know I won't be able to eat right off the bat. It saves me from having to explain to the server staff, and keeps me from the regrettable moment featured in truth #15.
15. One bite too much
When I had a normal stomach, one more bite was always possible. Even when I said I couldn't eat another bite, I really could and it wouldn't hurt me. Now, that is not the case at all. There is literally a bite that if I put it in my mouth and swallow it, I will go from being happy and satisfied to needing to lay down because I feel horrible. Just one bite... and even a small bite at that. I have even put bites in my mouth and realized what I've done and had to spit it out into a napkin. Learning that line is hard, but here is something even harder: Learning that you have to leave that food on the plate.
I cannot tell you what conditioned me to believe that a bite on a plate is made to be put into my mouth, but it happens to me all the time. I won't need to eat it, or even want to eat it.. but there is some strange drive in me to put that food into my body. It is a very powerful drive. My solution is out of sight out of mind, and I either tuck it into the to-go box or physically make the plate go away. This is something that causes mental somersaults, because you can KNOW you shouldn't have it, but resisting it is very much a mind-over-matter thing.
16. Belly Fat is EVIL
So,, I've lost all this weight... 65 pounds. And, I'm only down 4 pants sizes. Everything in me says that I'm failing, because I feel like I should be smaller... and I am smaller... everywhere but my belly. All of my clothes are way too big everywhere... except my belly. I should be down another 2 sizes if I was going by how baggy my pants are around my legs and butt, but that "stubborn" belly fat ( that's a thing, ya know... they actually refer to belly fat as stubborn!) just will not go down. So, none of my clothes fit properly. It's super annoying!
17. "I can see it in your face!"
You can look at quick weight loss like concentric circles. You will lose from the outside first... face, fingers, hands, feet, arms, legs, neck. Extremities will lose first, and that bitchy stubborn friend from Truth #16 will go slower. But, that loss in your face makes a shocking difference in how you look. People will tell you over and over and over again that they can see it mostly in your face... and it's the truth.
18. Pre-op is long, hard, scary and necessary... Post-op is eye-opening!
For most people, having WLS is officially "elective" surgery. We don't have to have it. It's not technically required to save our lives ( although it does!). There is something about that kind of surgery that makes going under the knife scarier. I've had several surgeries, and none of them scared me like this one did. Perhaps it's the amount of buildup to it. For me, it was 6 months from first PCP referral to the operating table.. and that entire 6 months was about prepping for this change. I became obsessed with finding the best protein supplement for me, practicing getting in enough water, and doing so much internet research I could tell you anything about WLS. Going through all the requirements was torture, and insurance approval was torture ( I was denied the first time because of a mistake on my birthday on one piece of paper, delaying my surgery an extra month). Getting my date was a moment of glee. I finally new my timeline, and could prepare for my new life ( and say goodbye to my old one).
Two week pre-op all liquid is almost universally agreed to be the worst part of the whole thing. You have your complete stomach and you can only have liquids for 14 days. It really is just horrible! But, all of this is a part of the process, and it's important to know that those days will become really important to you in the days just after your surgery. Those days of feeling like you are going to die without food, in contrast to those days where you know you cannot eat anything ( and honestly, you don't want to) helps you to understand how much of our desire for food is head hunger. Those days help us realize the difference. I think that two-week pre-op was actually the most crucial part of my whole journey. It tested both my resolve and pushed me toward making sure I didn't waste the thing that we find with truth #19.
19. "It's a tool"
This is the thing that WLSers say all the time. "It's a tool... not a magic wand". Now, a tool can be used perfectly for days and days and days, and then be used improperly and ruin everything.
Remember, oh-so-many-pages ago, when I talked about it wasn't easy? Well, I have to stay vigilant on what I can and cannot have. I will lose weight no matter what in this first year. But, there are ways to fail. There are people who don't stick to the "rules". They aren't working out. They aren't getting their protein or water. They are drinking and eating things they shouldn't be. They are wasting their tool.
The truth is that by this time next year, I will be back to eating 1200 calories a day. Still much less than I was before... but I'll also be smaller and will be burning less calories by just existing everyday. Of course, my metabolism will be higher too. But, if I go back to eating like I was, I will likely go right back to where I was before.
Someone I know who had Gastric Sleeve said to me something wise: "Take advantage of those first 6 months, because you will never get that opportunity back". I'm trying hard to do just that... take advantage of this peak time of loss and get as physically fit as possible to make sure that a year from now, staying physically fit is easier.
20. This is more than just not being fat anymore.
So much of WLS is an emotional process. You have no idea what it will do to you until it does. For me, WLS made me a much happier and less stressed out person. Seriously, my husband is shocked at how my whole personality has lightened after WLS. I'm more positive, happier and let the stresses of life slide off my back much easier than I did before. I have read about people who get depressed in the month after WLS. This is not my experience, but I can tell you that I have seen several people who struggled with depression before WLS who seem to revisit depression after WLS.
All of that said, here is the point. Changing your body is one thing, but this is also changing who you are. You have to change and challenge yourself to find success, and you have to change to deal with how others see you after WLS.
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