Yesterday, I picked up my daughter from school. She relayed something bad that happened. Her bully, a boy who has relentlessly taunted her for almost a year and had put is hands on her in a physically aggressive manner twice in the last three weeks, was given the 'Wisdom' recognition with other children during that morning's assembly. She was confused on how the school can possibly think that this boy displayed any qualities that would garner him an award. I tried to explain that these awards are given to every child throughout the year, all under different umbrella concepts, but that really, they are 'participation awards'... everyone gets one.
But I understood how she felt. I've been there... watching as people who have done something wrong go on with their lives without their wrongs held against them. I know how it hurts.
When I was 13, a boy in my class showed up at my apartment when my mother was not home. I let him in because I didn't anticipate what was about to happen. After just a few minutes, he cornered me and grabbed at my breasts. It was unwelcome, and when he didn't stop when I tried to push his hands away, I kneed him in the balls. He doubled over, and we were fortunately close enough to the front door that I was able to open the door and push him out of it.
That moment is not what damaged me. Don't get me wrong- the moment of unwanted grabbing that so many many women have experienced has an impact. Those moments seem to go so fast and so slow at the same time. The gut-punch of someone invading your personal space and taking a part of your body as something that belongs to them.... the not knowing how to react in the moment. There is an impact. But frankly, that wasn't what scarred me. It was the weeks that followed that left the deepest wounds.
I instantly called a friend who lived down the street. I was 13 and I didn't really know what to do. I told her exactly what happened. Word got out and I was quickly painted as a liar. He denied it ever happened, and one of his friends even backed him up by saying that it couldn't have happened because he was at his house. I spent months with people whispering that I was a liar, his friends calling my house and harassing me. When people talk about how victims of sexual assault are victimized over and over again, it's the truth. This is the environment that being sexually assaulted puts you into... constantly having to be on the defensive. Justifying why it was wrong, often having to defend that it happened at all. This is the reason that people often do not report sexual assault.
I know a lot of people who have been the victim of sexual assault encounters. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to speak about women... but I assure you that I am aware that it is not just women who are victimized like this. For women who have experienced this... an unwanted grab, a moment of fear, and invasion of our personal sexual space... they hear what Donald Trump said and they think to themselves " That's exactly the kind of environment that created my perpetrator".
I want to clarify something. All those many many years ago, the perception was that I was lying... that I had to be lying... because him grabbing my breasts had to be an indicator that he liked me and found me attractive, and I was not an attractive little girl, so clearly I was a liar. This would be the perception of someone with a healthy sexual attitude... but it is a myth, and it is the reason that sexual assault is about power and not about physical attraction. I never felt like this kid 'liked' me. I never felt that this was about other than something very simple. He wanted to touch a girls body. I was a girl. Any girl would have done... I was an easy mark. He felt like he was entitled to touch me even if I didn't want him to. Somewhere along the line, something told him that was his right, and that my rights not to be touched didn't matter.
Painting me as a liar was easy for him, and really made it simple for him to do what he wanted and move on.
But when I think about the difficult part, what really stand out to me was the fact that I had to watch him move in with his life with everyone around him allowing it. He would continue to get praise when he did something right. He would get parts in school productions, get recognition for achievements and I would have to just have to move on with my life, watching as what he did to me wasn't a part of those decision making processes.
So, when my daughter tells me that she doesn't understand, I understand that feeling.
That same day, I watched as what little defense was available for Donald Trumps graphic words about women and how he is allowed to treat them, and I wasn't shocked by what his defenders said.
"It was 11 years ago".
" It's words, not actions".
And in my mind, the rule has become that a person who participates in inappropriate sexual abuses toward another is given much more latitude than those who are victimized. Because I can tell you for sure that here I sit... 25 years later... and I'm sure that boy has not thought about me or what he did to me in those years. But I have. Many many many times. I have thoughts like " I have a girl... I wonder if he had kids and if he has a 13 year old daughter and how he would feel if someone did that to his little girl." And, I'll admit it... I found him online. I've only looked once. He appears to moved on to a life that is both middle-class and unremarkable. Part of me thought I might find someone with a history of sexual abuse.. that I was witness to the start of the monster he would become. But, alas, that is not the case. In his middle-of-the-road career, nobody ever asked him about that time when he tried to feel up a protesting little girl while having her backed up against a corner and the subsequent campaign to discredit her to her peers. They don't care. He doesn't care. I can assure you that I still care.
When I hear those words and the response, which aligns itself well with the 'boys will be boys' mentality... things like 'locker room talk'.... and I wonder about what kind of 'locker room talk' led to that moment in the corner of my apartment. I become disheartened. I don't want this for my little girl; A social mentality that the objectification of women and their bodies and the public perception that a woman's body parts are someone else's to be taken, instead of hers to provide. And worse, that people who say those things are allowed to be forgiven and that we should all just move on from it. This DEFINES rape culture. It is a society that tells us that talk doesn't matter and that actions don't matter if they can't be absolutely proven, and that the burden of that proof rests on a victim and not on the perpetrator... especially when it comes to matters like a woman's right to not be groped. It is a society that tells us that time has passed and we should just get over it.
And it's the fact that time does pass and when you are victimized like that, the world ' getting over it' sometimes hurts more than the act itself. The fact that the playing field is that leveled hurts. He shouldn't have equal opportunity. He shouldn't get a participation award. The bar for unforgivable actions and words should change.
So, when I mesh all of these thoughts together, this is what I come to: We will be told that Donald Trump's words don't matter because they weren't actions. And actions are the indicators of a sexual predator, not words. But women who have been sexually abused in some manner know that those words drift into the ears of little boys who don't understand those lines, and what they hear is a reinforcement that what they want, they should take. I wouldn't say that what Donald Trump said makes him a sexual predator.... but I can tell you that it defines what we mean when we say 'rape culture', in that a woman's body parts are available for the taking regardless of the intent. I will tell you that the idea that objectification like this is exactly why women are painted as liars. You tell men and boys that women's bodies are for their use, and then when they take them and abuse them, you play it off like 'well that was just talk', and people with healthy sexual attitudes don't understand that for some people with unhealthy sexual attitudes, it's not about attraction... it's about power, and they don't believe a victim because in their minds, it wouldn't happen any other way.
Donald Trump's words from 11 years ago matter today to victims of sexual assault know that there isn't a timeline when it becomes okay... just like my daughter knows that the kid who pushed her to the ground last week didn't deserve any kind of recognition yesterday. Because in the harsh light of reality, words and actions have far greater consequences than most people realize, and the standard of forgiveness with the passage of time echos in the ears of victims far longer than any of us should be comfortable with.
