Step into the Arena

The past year has been...interesting.  This time, last year, my family faced an uncertain future, but felt secure that everything would be fine.  Here, a year later, and not only is everything fine- life is better than we could have imagined.  My husband is at a fantastic new job that he loves, I'm continuing in my career at The Mommies Network, and our little girl grows taller and smarter every day.  This life is almost unrecognizable, and my life is wonderful.  But as the year has passed, there has been a gnawing sensation....a growing unrest... and a realization that there was something that was holding me back from being whole...something bigger than money and career and love.

As the year passed, I walked closer and closer to the problem, making new discoveries along the way about who I was, who I have become, and what led me here.  A few particular instances and moments gave me glimpses at this larger problem, but I couldn't really see it.  Until I did.. and then it was blinding.

Sometimes you can be whole, but still be broken.  You can function, but not be fulfilled.  you can be great, but not be well.

In a moment of clarity ( brought on by a moment of absolute breakdown), I realized something fundamental about myself...something life changing.

I live my life in perpetual fear.

My only motivator is fear.

Everything I do is the result of fear...and shame.

The details of the reasons for this may matter to me personally, but they don't in the context of me chronicling this journey, and I will explain why.  What I have discovered is that it doesn't matter.... almost all of us have something that does this to us...makes us live in shame and fear.  My details don't matter because it doesn't change the end result, and it certainly doesn't change the solutions.

I'm going to be walking my way through this process of healing here, labeling the posts with the topic at hand, and listing them on my Step into the Arena page.  Please feel free to read, comment, or use anything you find.  I just want to share this with the world...and putting myself out there is a part of this.  Being honest, being authentic, and stepping into the arena.  Feel free to step in with me.